H. Nemesis Nyx
Jul 24, 2017 · 2 min read

No need to apologize. My triggers aren’t your responsibility. You could not have known how your post was going to feel while I read it.

All I ask is that you read yourself, step back and try to identify the points that you were making that could come across bad to others. That ultimately, you do just what you said — learn. And I’ll do the same.

I learned a bunch about myself and about where I’m at with things by interacting with you. You confirmed my belief that when someone intends good from their words, when a different viewpoint is presented, they will at least consider it. You showed yourself to be a safe and kind person. None of that warrants an apology.

I think that’s something big. We can’t stop how we feel about something someone else says or does, but if our response is received with kindness and compassion, we learn that it’s worth the risk to be open — and — vulnerable.

I learned something else about apologies while listening to some women of color in particular. I’m sure it’s a generalization to say all feel this way, but some expressed frustration with the words, “I’m sorry.”

The frustration seems to be that I’m sorry gets used as a reset button and redistributes the responsibility for the ‘wrong doing’ (for lack of a better term) back to the one who was wronged. If I say I’m sorry and you don’t accept my apology then you look like a jerk, kind a thing.

What’s unfair about that is the fact that so many “I’m sorry(s)” are not followed up by any change in behavior because once the apologizer says sorry they feel better. The thing is, feeling better too quickly doesn’t teach us anything. We learn by feeling the pain of our poor choices. If that pain is alleviated too quickly and by mere words, we essentially lose an opportunity for lasting change.

I learned that the hard way. I was an apologizing fool around here for a very long time. Someone very special told me firmly (an understatement) that my apology — though genuine — was not about her and did nothing for her, it was about me wanting to get out of the discomfort and she was not having it.

Thank God for her. We became good friends. 😄

I guess I got going again, just telling you about stuff I learned along the way. We just never stop learning about how we look to others if we pay attention is all.

Clearly, you do.

-nem.

H. Nemesis Nyx

Written by

One part cyborg; two parts glorious mess.

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