So the question is, how to make people feel guilty for something they did that is terrible without resorting to shaming them, which will backfire?
I would argue that’s guilt, not shame.
KimBoo York

Shame is more motivating for me.

Well. no, actually it depends on where it’s coming from.

INTERNAL shame is a paralyzer to me. If I feel ashamed of myself — I feel stopped, plugged. Dull. Rusted.

EXTERNAL shaming from someone else at me is a POWERFUL motivator. If you can appeal to my shame from the outside, oh honey, I’m gonna move, because that means you see my insides and that scares me to want to move away from that pressure.

INTERNAL guilt for me acts the same way as EXTERNAL shame. Interestingly.


if I am being guilted or invited to feel guilty by others — FULL FUCKING STOP — because logically I know that person didn’t take the time and was just applying LAZY manipulation.

It is easy to speak to my guilt, but shame, that shit’s my BFF. We go everywhere together. So…

If you are creative enough and wicked enough to speak to my shame. That wakes me up.

It’s weird.

If I’m shaming others (which as a matter of respect I really DO try to avoid) I am definitely washed of trust — in that state to be honest — my shame is talking to other people’s shame and I’m not at the wheel at all anymore.

That’s probably all hogwash.