H. Nemesis Nyx
Jul 24, 2017 · 3 min read

So, I’m on board with this, completely. I feel the same way. I might have chosen to reorganize the post to achieve the same goals you outlined, but now that I understand the goals, it makes sense why you said what you said.

I hate that we all have so much pain we’re carrying around with us that we must start from a defensive posture. I don’t disagree with the advice you were given, but it also was painful for me to see the way the discussion was tugged into defensiveness.

We could say, “so-and-so started it,” and respond in kind. I like that you stayed middle of the road. Set your boundary, but still accepted the input. What drives me batty is when someone uses my approach as an excuse not to listen to me.

The fact that you listened AND stood up for yourself is a good example of how we might all be more productive in our interactions that we may actually get to a point where vulnerability can be a strength.

Vulnerability is at the seat of creation after all. But if it isn’t honored, we pay a price too high for the risk. Either way, striking a balance is hard. I can see what you were doing. I might have taken an approach slightly different, like this:

Defuser statement (good advice)

Boundary statement (don’t be a jerk)

Defuser statement (appreciation statement)

Not saying it would have changed anything. It’s just very uncomfortable to me when boundaries are set and then people get mad about them.

To be fair to the person responding to you, these discussions are infuriating. The questions you asked me lit a fire in my belly. I tried hard to be nice but I was mad because people have waited far too long to be heard on these issues, to be seen for who they are and accepted fully. Asking nicely has not done the trick.

Nothing tried before has worked for much more than crumbs and now we are going backward. The fact that you are a white male means you have benefits I don’t have, you are viewed differently and on a higher rung of the ladder. Even if I have more than you, society sees me as less, assumes I have what I have because of some relationship to a man and not my brain…

It get twitchy when I consider what it would be like to overlay skin color on top of my stature, gender and brain health issues. Its literally terrifying. I would be so mad at you if there was one more thing…

I would be so mad at the luxury you have to not know this stuff, the fact that you can make such statements. I know you weren’t trying to be hurtful. It’s just very complicated and takes a lot of listening to really understand why you came across so badly from the beginning of our interaction. It’s not intended, but there’s an “arrogance” an “I know better than you do” type thing that people hear. And they hear it because they know you cannot possibly understand what it is like to be them.

Even the parallels that help me understand, as they deepen my understanding, they teach me more and solidify the fact that I just can’t know what it is like ever.

Part of having empathy is knowing you get to take that perspective off and walk away so you’ll never fully feel the weight or burden. And part of encouraging vulnerability is accepting this fact about one another. I can’t know what it’s like to be you. I have my assumptions. But I can’t really know.

I’m off on a free association soapbox now. It’s just that what you wrote made me think the things I wrote back. I like you, Nathan Whiteside. I like what you stand for and how hard you try.

Let’s keep talking.

-Cyborg 🌺

H. Nemesis Nyx

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