So, this is going to seem foolish. And I know Son of Baldwin does not need defending, but, this isn’t fair, Sherry Kappel.
It’s not fair because Son of Baldwin did not create these circumstances. It’s not fair because it is putting the responsibility of solving this problem on the shoulders of the very people the problem harms the most. Anger is a secondary emotion, not being able or blocking oneself from empathy is a clear signal of serious trauma. It is a signal.
There is so much in the words you are responding to — so much pain, so much sadness, helplessness, desperation — this is a man who has opened up to you and everyone who reads his words. He is being honest, but inside that honesty is an effort to protect himself.
You and I cannot even imagine what from. I would argue he is trying to push away his empathy because it is infuriating. Where was the empathy for those you listed? How stupid would I feel if I was empathetic to people who were actually ok with my murder?
How many times have I looked in the mirror and seen the faces of the men who have been murdered this way? How did I feel inside when I saw it and was helpless to change it, to protect my family? How do I resist falling off the cliff of Stockholm?
These are completely reasonable questions. However our friend chooses to protect his heart, we must honor that choice. It would be very sad if he made no effort to protect himself when he knows he needs to for survival.
Just like you said, Justine is gone and her family has no shortage of support. Son of Baldwin IS here and is NOT responsible for this situation, but he has had to witness it his whole life and maybe this — maybe this is just too big a fucking burden. It would be for me.
Detaching from empathy is hard on a human being, but sometimes it is absolutely necessary for self-preservation. Our expectations for what others can deal with have to be equal and fair. We’d never ask a rape survivor to have empathy for her rapist and this is no different.
Love him anyway, Sherry. Hear him. See how he is so human, just like you, just like me — that’s the gentle — that’s the soul you are AND it is the change you seek.
With love,
-nem.
