H. Nemesis Nyx
Jul 25, 2017 · 2 min read

Yeah. I think to some degree it did. I mean, not a lot, but I could always say, “at least I…”

And that’s the thing. I don’t know that my friend who pointed this out to me meant that all apologies are useless, just that too many are empty. It is too easy to say “I said the words and there’s no further I can go with it.” Like any other way we alleviate our own sadness after we make a mistake.

In some ways the apology can be phrased as a ‘beginning,’ but if it is akin to changing your Facebook avatar to the flag of <insert country with latest terror attack here> and that’s where it stops, it’s not real. It’s a reset. It doesn’t mean never say sorry. It’s more like say sorry, then do… or something.

I knew you were beating yourself up. I’m in the same boat at the moment. That language thing you hit on — hell yeah — that’s a deal. It’s a big one. We don’t even have the same definitions for racism between groups. We don’t know how to love each other. We don’t know how to accept each other’s failures and support each other in cleaning up our messes.

In the case of racism white people keep asking black people to solve a problem they didn’t create. This is what we were taught to do. But what I’ve learned is most of the time if we just accept people where they are, let them have the space they need to scream, cry, scream-cry, express their anger and love them anyway… most of the time just the acceptance when the dust settles is all that’s needed.

We just take it personal. The worst thing I can imagine is hurting someone. It’s unavoidable sometimes. I hate it, but that is the truth. The problem is there’s not enough of us standing up, showing up, we have zero credibility. So our mistakes are responded to with the full weight of that person’s past and present pain. This is just what trauma does.

And it isn’t fair, but none of it is fair. It isn’t fair that the pain is there at all. But you have learned a lot over the last week and I am sure your legs will stop feeling like they are made of jello soon. You’ll regain your balance and strengthen your resolve (if you haven’t already).

What you’ll notice when you do is that the smack down you got was loving. You’ll understand that even though you are not as affected as our black and brown family members, you are impacted too — and that makes you family. You’ll see yourself as truly belonging for the pain of this experience.

If you weren’t family there would be no impact on you. You would not be part of or feel part of those touched by this madness.

You are a great person, Sherry Kappel. Your fingers got too far in front of your brain. You felt sadness and took a risk and you learned. All of that makes you human.

You are so important to me.

Love,

-Cyborg 🌸

    H. Nemesis Nyx

    Written by

    One part cyborg; two parts glorious mess.

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