when sadness doesn’t sleep.

I try. you try. we all try.
All I want to do is sleep but the sound of my heart breaking inside of my chest is keeping me up. Strange how you never truly notice something until it is wrong, like the way a heart is suppose to beat. I have to keep taking breaks from writing because my thoughts are moving way faster than my hands can type.
When was the last time you put yourself out there? The last time you threw your heart in the air hoping that the person that you were trying to throw it to, ends up letting it hit the ground? Have you ever heard that sound? It sounds a lot like no. Another word for it, you may know it as well, rejection. If you haven’t then you’re probably not even reading this. So to those that are reading this, where do we go from here?
How do we bounce back from rejection?
Me?
I throw on headphones and write. I drown out the noise that my eyes can see. In the most transparent way I can say it, I cry. Not for my own self pity. But for the mere fact that my identity isn’t what someone I want, wants. Of course I take it personally, I mean who doesn’t? But the most important thing that I do is to not stay in that position.
I ask myself, my identity, questions that only I can answer. Which means that I have to be completely honest with myself. I don’t know if you have ever done that but it is hard! Sometimes I think it is impossible. Because what is truth? How do you decide what or who is truth? Based off what you believe? Or maybe what people say? What do you do if those things are the same?
One of the first questions that I ask myself every time I go through this, is how do I feel about myself. Most of the time that question is translated to, what do I like about myself and what do I not like about myself? And what can I do about the things that I do not like? Can I actually control those things or can I not? If I can then I try to become a better me and progress further into the person that I am meant to be. Using the situation I am in to be a building block to the person that I am becoming every single day.
If I can’t control the thing that I do not like then I let it go. Because trying to change something that you cannot change is a never-ending cycle that you will never win. I open up my hands and release so that I can hold on to what is the real truth.
That is how I bounce back. That is how I fall asleep when sadness is trying to keep me awake.
