Why can’t I follow a routine?
Routines have always been hard for me. I’m a Libra and as such I tend to be super flighty and indecisive. This presents a problem with just about everything. I truly intend on doing a routine, but when I start out I feel this fear that creeps up and it engulfs me and won’t let go.
What is this fear?
I’m in a constant state of I should and due to that I fear the discipline of a routine. The strict discipline that a routine entails. If I was to maintain a routine would it interfere with my ability to be spontaneous? Would I miss out on all those soft addictions that I have? Would it interfere with my ability to jump at a moments notice and help those in need?
Fear is limiting and it is a belief that what you are fearful of is going to either change the way you do things or prevent you from moving forward all together. So I not only fear the changes but the fear around the changes. If I spend all my time in meditation, yoga, prayer, and journaling will I be able to accomplish the goals I have set forth in my life? Will I limit my ability to accomplish tasks? Will I miss out on my normal routine that is holding me back?
What is holding me back?
Not everyone is aware of their soft addictions but by taking a diary of every thing you do in a day you can find the actions that are not only hindering your ability to complete tasks but also find the soft addictions. Once you identify them you can then identify why you fall to them. My soft addictions reside around watching TV, procrastinating, over committing and obsessively de-cluttering.
I have found that when I clear the clutter in my environment then I feel less chaos in my mind. However, I tend to clear the clutter when I should be doing other things. Should can be such a nasty word, but in this instance it is a should, like school work, business work, writing, self care, and other things that move me further and help me grow.
How does this hurt me?
Clearing the clutter is cathartic and helps me focus after everything feels less chaotic outside as well as inside, but it procrastinates the inevitable. My TV watching has become some what of a bad habit. I don’t condone watching TV to the extent that I do, however, it doesn’t hurt to spend a day recouping after a hard week by binge watching a really good Netflix show. You just have to know when to turn it off and get to work.
Recently my TV watching has taken an all time high, possibly due to the recovery of the accident that happened last June, possibly due to the fear that I have been holding in. Whatever the matter is, TV is not the answer. Then comes the over committing. Sometimes I find myself doing things that I have no interest in doing, simply trying to help someone. But in the end it turns into me resenting them for occupying my time that could be used otherwise.
Yes, I over committed. Yes, I could have said no. Yes, I feel like they will hate me if I say no. No, they are rarely helpful when I am in need. Yes, I know it’s a one sided relationship. But how do I change this? I have to grow some balls and just say NO!!!
Fear is in every part of my soft addictions. It holds me back from accomplishing so many things that would possibly take my life in a whole new direction. Fear eats at my very soul and stresses me out so much. It sends tremors through my body when I just think about doing something. I procrastinate because I fear and I fear because I procrastinate. So how do I stop this Fear?