I am not a Label
“You aren’t fat, you see. You are just healthier and cute like a teddy bear”
“Why are you listening to what that aunty has to say, she is fat herself, who is she to tell you fat?”
“You just have a broader built, you know, that’s not called being fat”
“You look good the way you are, but you would look prettier if you could shed some pounds”
“You have a giant-like body structure — height and weight, not everyone can pull it off”
“I have seen your tummy, you aren’t that fat, stop worrying, chillofy”
“You are prettier, you know for a heavy girl”
“I like plum-people, they are cute”
I am 22 years old and I have body-image issues. This post is a little personal than the rest of them. I intended to not let my personal life dictate my writing, but this has been a driving factor all my life and I feel I should talk about it. I do not mean to write this in order to gain sympathy. I do not know if this meant to be empathetic to other people who face similar issues. This is me, being real — being raw.
Ever since I was a child, I was labeled as fat. Even when I was in my 4th standard since I did not match the picture of a regular 8 or a 9 year old, I was treated differently. I have broader shoulders, thick thighs and a personality not too feminine (according to the society standards). I have body image issues since forever. While I was young, I did not know that’s what it is called. People patronized and worshipped thinner, petite, softer looking females and hence, I thought I was supposed to be one too. I used to starve myself, look at myself in the mirror and not feel joy, avoided wearing clothes that would highlight my legs, hands or anything. I dressed up fully covered everytime I stepped out of the house. The only time I felt comfortable not wearing a full length lower was when I slept, in the aloneness of the night. I do not mean to say I had a bad childhood. I had a good childhood, but these demons haunted me wherever I went. For a very long time, I did not even realize that I was putting myself under extreme pressure to be like the other girls. And maybe for some time, I did come close to what society deemed as perfect by starvation, extreme cardio and probably never eating stuff that I would enjoy. I was extremely unhappy in that stage. I felt I wasn’t me.
Then I moved to college and I fell into a routine that did not allow me to be as conscious. I started having anxiety and food comforted me. It took me a very long time to realise that I had some form of eating disorder. I was differing from the image of what everyone around me thought was good and it made me more anxious. It is an endless loop. No matter how many affirmations you say, things you read, things you see, people around you always treat the “fat” ones a little differently.
“I think she will need 2 rotis extra, don’t you see her body”
“I bet you can finish this big bowl by yourself”
“You must stop eating fried food”
I am not a label. I am a human being. I am not a tag. You can’t reduce me to my body-size, type and the clothes that would look good on me. There is no definition of beautiful that says you should be skinny, lighter complexion and longer hair. There is nothing wrong with the way I look. I am me, still human, same heart — still breathing.
I want to go for a walk not because I want to lose weight, but because it makes me happy. It uplifts my mood and I am more productive. I do not have a 26 or a 28 or a 30 waist size. Yes, I have feelings and I am tired of people telling me how to look.
I am made from my skills, behaviour and personality too. My physical appearance does not define me.
“Are you really dating that fat-one?”
“Are you sure you want to wear that? Your hands look fat”
“Maybe you should wear knee length dresses, they would suit you better”
“Lose some more weight, you will find a good husband”
“You know what, you should only eat salads and boiled food”
“Maybe you should hit the gym more often”
“You should try the keto diet, it worked wonders for my sister. She looks pretty now that she lost a lot of weight”
“Yeah, you have a job and all, but you are heavier than what normal is, how will you find a good husband”
I wish people would look beyond everyone’s physical appearance. I know that everyone has demons that haunt them, things that make them feel insecure. But I wish people would just not reduce me to my physical traits.
Day 5 of 30
