Taming the ragey beast
I’m screaming so loudly that there’s spit about to fly out of my mouth. My throat will hurt later because the words are spilling full tilt out of my mouth.
The kids scatter. Why is mum so angry?
Daz lays a cautious hand on my elbow, looks into my eyes and gently whispers, “Umm, babe? What’s really going on?”
I steady myself and realise I’m not breathing. I release a breath and draw another deep into my lungs.
I search my brain for the cause of my anger. The kids aren’t listening; I’m fucking tired; We’re going to be late. Why are the kids always whinging?!
But that’s not it. These things are just the triggers for the ragey beast.
I skull some water. For some reason, this helps.
I close my eyes and feel the answer.
I haven’t taken any ‘me’ time.
I haven’t done anything for myself.
The worst part — I haven’t even asked for time out. Yet again, I failed to set my boundaries.
It’s my fault the ragey beast is back.
I put everyone else first and haven’t taken a single minute for myself.
There’s always an excuse. Washing to do. It’s raining. I’ll just do this first…
The look Daz gives me tells a familiar story — and he doesn’t need to utter a single word — I know what he is going to say.
“Hinda, why are you so bad at taking care of yourself?” You put everyone first and get angry that no one asks if you need a break or says thank you.
And he’s right. Damn it.
I’m terrible at looking after myself. If there were a gold medal for ignoring your own needs, I’d fucking win it — and I reckon I’d be on the podium with at least ten other women I know — all of them mothers.
Why are women so bad at prioritising themselves?
When the kids are young, they depend on us for life. There’s not much room for downtime. We’re keeping our babies alive and we put them first without much conscious thought.
Then when we return to work. We feel guilty about time away from the kids. And then, as if that is not enough, we feel guilty that we’re not doing more at work when we’re with the kids!
Oh, the guilt. It’s exhausting.
Of course, I’m generalising a bit. Possibly even oversimplifying it. There are many factors that contribute to the guilt women feel and the inability to consistently put themselves first — especially when kids are involved. But, it’s always a conversation among friends.
So how do we break this cycle?
Man, I wish I knew.
After my ragey beast moment, I apologised to everyone and swiftly took myself out of the house (possibly got kicked out by Daz) and listened to a podcast — one of my favourite things to do. Yet, somehow I still don’t do enough of it.
I listened to Unlocking Us — this particular episode was on James Clear and Atomic Habits.
I’m yet to read his book, (it’s now on the list) but there was one thing on the podcast that really stuck with me.
Changing behaviour — behaviour that lasts — starts with a teeny tiny change. Start with just one thing and changing one tiny thing about that. You don’t have to look at the giant picture that all needs to change immediately.
So for me, I’ve started with a weekly reminder on my phone. Do you know what it says?
Tame the ragey beast! It’s ok to have a break.
Do you have a ragey beast too?
