I am writing this, hoping that taking it all out, would help me overcome a difficult situation.
About a month ago I finished my Phd. It was supposed to be a joyful day. My parents were there, my girlfriend of 8 years was there too. We had lunch after my defense. I was happy although a bit tense. Being around my parents isn’t easy.
My parents are the kind of people that like to be criticise everything, you might take them out, plan their day with activities, they will have something to complain over dinner. It is not like they are never happy. It is just random and it might not depend of what you do. In particular they are rarely happy with me. My mum would find things to complain about. It can be that I have gained a few pounds, it can be that I haven’t been to the air dresser in a while, or she might not find my dressing appropriate. Whatevs!
Being a gay woman didn’t help my relationship with them. I had to come out to my mum 3 times, she still thinks I am trying to convince myself of being a lesbian just to upset her.
Also my mum hates my girlfriend. And the fact that she posses a kind of reality distortion field doesn’t help our relationship.
So here we are. Defense is over, lunch is over, we head home. I want to take a nap in order to relax a bit. I have a dinner planed with family and some friends that I have been counting on since I have started my Phd. It’s finally time to let it go and celebrate with friends.
That at least was my plan. Something else, that I am still struggling to wrap my head around happened instead.
At a certain point during the afternoon, while I was checking my work emails, my brother decided to grab an object from a bookcase — because he wanted to check it out. That was something personal (actually closed behind glass doors) and I reached out to grab it before him, telling my brother to actually let it stay as it was actually something I’d rather not show him.
This is when things started to heat out. My brother followed me around the house screaming at me to show him the object. He even reached out for my wrist to take it out my hands, still screaming at incredible high voice. Probably trying to intimidate me.
At this point, my girlfriend got scared and came to see what was happening. She saw my brother out of his mind, so she slightly pushed him away from me and told him to calm down, stop screaming and get out of the apartment if this was how he though it was appropriate to behave.
My brother more under control decided to grab her and start insulting her, then called my parents saying I was being aggressive toward him, and screamed some more. I think he might have called three times in total, saying me and my girlfriend were beating him up. Although we were meters away. I was more concerned to keep him away from her.
Now, not sure why he run our of the apartment leaving the door wide open. We have two cats and one dog and got very scared that the dog had run out too scared.
Going down the stairs calling my dog I see my parents arriving. I try to tell them to calm down that I haven’t done anything that I am looking for my little dog and we’ll talk. I am also crying because of all that has happened. My parents instead start running up the stairs telling more insult at my girlfriend which I have to shelve from them.
They don’t listen they just saying horrible things at me and her. Then in a moment of reason decide to go away to calm down. Luckily I can find my cats and dog scared at home waiting for us to come back and things to get to normal again.
When my father comes back to grab my brother’s stuff a few minutes later I try to explain him what has happened. I show him we both have marks on our arms from him grabbing our wrists. He told me instead my brother had his neck red because my girlfriend tried to grab him. I look at him with disbelief considering the difference in height between the two. My girlfriend would barely reach his chest, it would be impossible for her to grab his neck.
This line is what my parents have defended since them. They told me my brother has over-reacted because he doesn’t want me to have “secrets” with him. They do not even understand there are so many things wrong with this sentence, I can’t even start. My brother has yet to apologise to me for being aggressive and physically abusive. My mother denies he was, she also adds my girlfriend tried to push my father down the stairs. I was in front of her and know this is a fat lie.
I’d never thought I’d be in this situation with my family. I have always thought we had our disagreements but things were ok. I didn’t know they could be this abusive and deny it.
I am learning a lot since this happened. I am learning about families and about people relationships. I am going this over again and again with my therapist and she has different more scientific ways to explain me what has happened and why.
I am hurt. I cry several times a day. Find it difficult to concentrate at work. Find peace sometimes when I am walking my dog or my girlfriend hugs me telling me everything is going to be alright.
I am upset. Upset my family prefer to believe I am stupid and my girlfriend is that evil instead of accepting I am just gay, settled down and happy.
I have stopped talking to my parents and brother. I have told them I will talk again when they apologise for their insults. I have instead received emails from my mother with more insults towards my girlfriend and disconnected angry thoughts.
Sometimes I feel hopeless. I know I can build another family of my own, but I feel so much anger for being treated like this.
To end this on a high note, while I am writing, my mum has sent me a text calling me a shit.