Vote Like You’re…Watching Porn?

Condoms. Marijuana. Plastic Bags. Guns. Marlboros.

Is this the plot for “Bag Me, Gag Me Cowboy,” the latest B rated S&M porn film?

Kindof. It’s actually the juicy ballot details you can vote on in California’s upcoming election.

Feel a little tingly on the inside? Well, that’s civic duty.

Sadly most will never get that special tingly feeling because the California voter’s handbook is just not sexy. It’s heavier than an old telephone book and about as interesting as a master’s thesis in taxation policy. Everyone feels like an idiot when they go to the poll, leafing through propositions in despair, grasping to understand what the hell a state comptroller does. We’d all rather be watching porn. At least we understand it.

This needs to change. The Trump — Hillary war may be fascinating, but the election results won’t impact our daily lives nearly as much as the propositions. And our potential presidents won’t be debating condom usage. Well, not until they hear about Prop 60.

So, in the spirit of education, let’s make our local voting more interesting .

Here are 5 California Proposition considerations to ponder that could give porn a good run for its money.

(extrapolated considerations from the hilarious ballot.fyi. Meant as thought starters only).

1/ If Prop 60 passes and porn stars have to wear condoms, perhaps it would make wearing a condom so sexy that no one will fantasize about sex without them and even teenagers would wear them during self exploration. Since over 50% of people will have a STI in their life, this could just make things cleaner all around.

2/ Prop 64 legalizes weed. Which means we could have weed delivered to our house via Uber and served in bars by “budtenders.” Do you think Hillary or Trump would change your neighborhood this much? I think not.

3/ Prop 63 is kinda boring EXCEPT this little clause that says if you order ammunition online, you’ll have to get it shipped to a licensed dealer for in-person pickup. Will Wal-Mart be a licensed dealer? The bud bars from Prop 64 can’t sell alcohol or tobacco, but it doesn’t say anything about ammunition. And smoking a little bud may be good for the gun happy, encouraging them to “Make love, not war.”

4/ Prop 67 & 65 ban plastic bags. Interestingly they say they only ban “single-use plastic bags” which makes us wonder if it’s just for people using them as condoms — or S&M. And double bagging takes on a whole new meaning. Gross. Yes-let’s ban them, unless the porn stars want to wear them?

5/ Prop 56 raises the tobacco tax but would now include vaporizers. Vaporizers are on the up and up and tobacco is down. Instead of having a smoke after sex, you can vape…if you pay $3.37 more for it.

You see, propositions don’t have to be dry! Thankfully there are sites like ballot.fyi to lure me to vote by common language, humor and heavy use of emoticons. Okay, so it doesn’t make voting quite the same as watching porn, but at least it makes me want to do it…over and over.

Let’s make civic duty sexier. Learn a little, learn a lot and get out there to rock the vote guys.

3 California voting sources that won’t make you feel dumb

1.Ballot.fyi : the most entertaining read about the issues. created by an ex-IDEOer that wanted to bring more design to the election process.
2. KQED : The NPR member station provides podcast debates, including one of a pornstar debating Big Condom.
3. CalMatters: a nonpartisan group reporting on California politics. Does not use emoticons, but it is fair.