Emotionless, cold hearted bitch.

I am an emotionless, cold hearted bitch.

I don’t show many negative emotions and I hate crying in front of people. I hate crying by myself. I simply hate crying. So I don’t. I bottle up every tear in a jar locked away, deep in my soul and never look at it.

My friends think I’m emotionless, cold hearted bitch and my family thinks I don’t care for them or their problems. But I care too much actually and every little thing bother me. Everything hits me like a tidal wave of pain and sadness. When my mother speaks to harshly for something I did or didn’t do. When my family doesn’t let me explain myself adequately and I’m cut off whenever I open my mouth. When my friends don’t understand why I am vegan and that animals are sentient beings deserving of rights like ours. If I allow myself even one moment of weakness, the tears will never stop and the endless jar will finally topple over and never stop flowing out the tears I’ve locked away so long. At every turn I would take, tears and snot and pain would roll down my face and into my hands. I would take shaky breaths and have an extremely difficult time controlling my breathing as I would go into a panic attack. I would shake uncontrollably and tear my hair in desperation.

So, yes, I will remain and emotionless, cold hearted bitch and I will take my family believing I have no feelings. I will take keeping every emotion inside until sometimes I snap from the stress of constantly being under control and people look at me like I’m loosing my mind. And I am losing my mind. I can’t remember the date most days because I’m more focused on keeping my cool in public. I spend more time locked away in my room, sleeping, my roommates wondering if I’m still alive, then be out in the real world because I can cry in my dreams. But I will take all of this before I let one tear fall because I’m not an emotionless, cold hearted bitch and I have so many feelings it physically hurts and I’d rather be the one to drown in my pain then let them all drown in my tears.