New Year, Same Feels

Brooklyn Reagan
Aug 28, 2017 · 3 min read

I came back this summer. I’m not saying I went anywhere location wise. I’m saying that I got my life back. I’m purely happy again with no suppressed sadness. I’m not constantly on the verge of tears or fragile.

Though I’m scared the fragility will come back. I spent all day Saturday with Mason and the guys and it was like old times. I’m talking like, pre-concert old times. When things were great. The awkward tension is gone and I’m able to have fun with my best friends again for the first time in a long time.

We all went to our friend Peter’s house for a welcome back party because he just got back from basic training. It was me, Mason, Isaac, and Brandon. The girls were invited but didn’t want to come.

Peter’s dad asked Mason if I was his new ‘flame’ and Mason just laughed and said no.

The four of us played badminton and Mason and I were on the same team. Every time I’d mess up a serve or a hit he’d make some kind of scoffing noise or yell out “BROOKLYYNNNNN” super dramatically. I would respond the same way to his faulty hits. When we actually had a good volley going, we’d hi-5 with our rackets. I can’t remember the last time I laughed that much with him around.

Mason’s sister showed up and we got along pretty well. Considering I’m still lowkey scared of her, it was great! We played a game of badminton with her boyfriend and Brandon.

Even on the car ride home, we put all the windows down and sang along to the blasting music…(until he put on metal music, then I was down for the count.) There was even a point on the ride home I was being my sassy-self again and he shot the sass right back. Missed that.

But the best part was the whole day? Mason was looking at me like he used to. That smile, ugh.

But here’s the thing: though I am much stronger than I was a few months ago, I realized that I am still in love with him. Yes, Matt is 1000x better looking than Mason is,

but here’s the difference between Matt and Mason:

When I look at Matt, he makes me want to sneak into a back room and hook up until my lips are raw.

He is lust.

When I look at Mason I want to sit on a couch and watch a movie together. I want to ask him about how his day went and play with his hair until he falls asleep. Maybe kiss him a little, but nothing too crazy.

He is love.

One night this past summer, I remember asking God if He could show me some kind of sign. A sign that revealed if waiting for Mason to be ready was the right thing to do.

I have always associated the number 22 with Mason. Something always happens on the 22nd, one of those things being Mason’s birthday.

This whole summer, I saw that number everywhere. Shirts, signs, cars, gas stations, usernames, times on a clock. Even when I didn’t want to see it, I’d see it. Even when my mind was fully committed to Matt and I didn’t think about Mason, I’d see it.

I would say, “God, no. No more 22’s. I’m getting over Mason there’s no need for this. I want things to work with Matt.”

I don’t know whats going on.

All in all, I am much better than I was 7 months ago. Like, actually. I’m not just saying that to convince myself that I am.

I am extremely excited for this year but Saturday made me realize that I know what I want. It’s scary but I got a good head on my shoulders now and I’m ready.

Wish me luck!

— BR

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Brooklyn Reagan

Written by

Casually telling you all about my list of L’s in hopes of reaching my W. Sharing my story and it starts with the post entitled October 29 2011

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