“Hey, Monkey!”

Last night, I dreamed of my first girlfriend, Julie. She came and sat on my bedside then said: “Hey Monkey! I heard you and please don’t be sad. Yes, I was still very much in love with you and I wished to continue our relationship. But it’s our destiny not to be together and it’s my destiny so that to complete your path. Think spreadsheet. Now, go get it done!”

She used to call me Monkey when we were together. I felt so close and warm when I heard her calling me Monkey in my dream.

Julie was my first love during high school. She was two years older and was the first person who inspired me in programming. She was a hell of a programmer and she was very fluent in assembly language in 6502, Z80 and 8088 at that time. She was also very good at FORTRAN, Pascal and APL and she wrote a spreadsheet program in Apple’s UCSD Pascal. I learned about the concepts of spreadsheet from her Pascal codes and then wrote my own version in C and then years later in Ada. We broke up so that she could study Computer Science and she went all the way.

In 1998, she invited me to attend her Ph.D. graduation and would sponsor my trip but I declined her invitation. On the night of Christmas that same year, I received a phone call from her dad, Julie was killed in a car crash. Upon hearing the terrible news, I was petrified and my world started to crumble down. I was so deeply devastated for many days but pretending nothing happened.

The whole thing resurfaced again while I was brainsteering to rethink and refine my startup ideas and concepts in the past weeks. I realized that I could be responsible for her death.

She invited me to her graduation and would sponsor my trip. That’s a clear indication that she still loved me and intended to continue our relationship after completing her studies. I declined and broke her heart and that sent her spiraling down into great depression, I presumed. Six months were enough to let depression consumed her entirely from inside out.

Her autopsy report found no trace of alcohol or any drugs in her blood. Her car went into another lane and collided head on with a truck coming from the opposite direction. She died on the spot.

Julie was driving home alone that day. Nobody would ever know what happened in the car. She was ambitious and a very careful person, always safety first, love herself very much and definitely would not do silly things while driving. If my speculation is correct, my declination led her into depression and on that day while she was driving, her own emotion overwhelmed her.

I have been praying to her soul asking for forgiveness since I realized the wrath of the demon inside me that might have caused her death.

Yesterday, I rang her father and visited him. Her mom passed away many years ago, suffering from her losses.

Her father’s face was full of wrinkles, lying in lazy chair suffering from lower body paralysis due to a stroke couple of years ago. His only son and daughter-in-law were taking care of him.

I prayed at their altar, to her and her mother asking for forgiveness if I was really causing her depression hence her death. My prayer was finally answered last night.

What makes the dream interesting is the last part of her saying: “…and it’s my destiny so that to complete your path. Think spreadsheet. Now, go get it done!”

She said it was her destiny so that to complete my path. Her death connects the many dots in my ideas. That makes sense.

What does “Think spreadsheet” mean? Now, I have to recall what we discussed about the spreadsheet.

I asked her father for forgiveness too and then spent an hour explaining to him of what I was building. He listened very carefully and asked many questions along the way. As an engineer, he had no trouble to comprehend my articulation. He appeared calm and interested but I could see in his eyes, his emotion was like the sea of turmoils. When I was leaving, he pulled himself up a little bit from the lazy chair and said to me, “Jul chose the right guy. Don’t let her died in vain!”

“Sir, she won’t,” as I looked into his eyes and promised. He then laid back calmly and relaxed. I closed the door and gate behind me.

On my way out, I was crying, it’s obvious that her parents knew about her choice and suffering.

Also, I feel blessed that I was able to speak to her father and my confession made me stronger.

Spooky? Or just me have been thinking too hard? Anyway, I’m glad that I have a chance to make amends with one of her parents.

Originally published at adrianhoe.com on May 10, 2015.