The Abyss of Depression
Imagine yourself floating in the middle of a crashing ocean. A thunderstorm is roaring above you. Wrathful waves throw you high up into the air and then mercilessly smash down on top of you pushing you deeper towards the bottom of the ocean, over and over again. Lightning brightens up the sky, but you are unable to see anything, except for the thunderbolts zapping through the darkness. The deafening thunder pierces your eardrums. You feel yourself being sucked into the abyss beneath. You feel something grabs your limbs and your body. You struggle, but are unable to escape. Pulled into darkness, deeper and deeper, you see the lightning becoming more distant. The world suddenly becomes silent, you feel thunder pounding your heart. You feel helpless, hopeless and lifeless…
This is how I felt during two severe depressive episodes which included suicidal thoughts brought on by work stress and relationship problems. The first episode was on Saturday August 23, 2014. The second one was also on a Saturday October 4, 2014.
Although I was not actually planning to commit suicide, I was thinking about the issue of suicide and the reasons why people want to commit suicide.
I was suspected of having Asperger Syndrome or AS. One of the traits in people with AS is lack of empathy with others. I lack empathy, but most of the time my empathy comes much slower, usually hours or even days after an event.
“There is no point treating a depressed person as though she were just feeling sad, saying, ‘There now, hang on, you’ll get over it.’ Sadness is more or less like a head cold- with patience, it passes. Depression is like cancer.”
― Barbara Kingsolver
During my first episode of suicide thoughts, I felt the pain for Robin Williams, who had committed suicide earlier that month. I felt sympathy for him. I could feel how helpless and hopeless he must have been during the hours before he took his own life. Suddenly, I felt empathy for Robin on that Saturday morning. I felt the excruciating pain and, in addition to my own, I was dragged deeper into the dark abyss of depression.
But thank goodness, a very close friend and co-worker, Allison Beh, pulled me out of this that very Saturday afternoon. I am still alive, of course. I not dare to imagine if I kept dwelling on suicide issues, I might actually become part of the statistics.
“If you know someone who’s depressed, please resolve never to ask them why. Depression isn’t a straightforward response to a bad situation; depression just is, like the weather.
Try to understand the blackness, lethargy, hopelessness, and loneliness they’re going through. Be there for them when they come through the other side. It’s hard to be a friend to someone who’s depressed, but it is one of the kindest, noblest, and best things you will ever do.”
― Stephen Fry
On September 2, I was diagnosed having mild clinical bipolar disorder. The prognosis was good and I needed no medication. However, this added more weight to my depression.
Last week, I read from a local Chinese newspaper that a teenager committed suicide because his girlfriend broke up with him and refused to communicate. They had not actually met but knew each other from Facebook. Before my own experience, I would shake my head and say “How silly!” But this time, I felt empathy for this young man.
Then, again later last week, I read about the tragic death of Dr. Sophia Yin, a world renowned and well respected veterinary behaviorist, who ended her own life struggling with deep depression. I felt for her. I watched her video, Tough Love, and I could not imagine that she could commit suicide.
If a highly educated and well respected person like Dr. Sophia Yin, or a successful actor such as Robin Williams could have depression which finally costs them their own lives, what about you and I? Anyone can suffer from depression without knowing it.
My startup, Mind Companion, aims to develop mobile apps to help people to cope with their depression and mood disorders. My own experience makes me want to continue the development in spite of the fact that the partnership at Mind Companion did not work out.
Imagine a wearable device that evaluates and monitors your moods, collecting and sending the tell tale data to an affection computer where the data is analyzed. When the affection computer detects you are experiencing depressive episode and thinks that you may be in trouble, the affection computer then sends notification to people you love so that they can be alerted and care for you.
Wait! Am I nuts to give up my ideas? No. I am not. Sophia’s tragic death has awakened me. With the departure of my teammates, I am unable to succeed my own. The project is a huge and expensive endeavor. I need assistance to realize all the potentially useful applications that may help people and save lives!
So, if you have the same passion and empathy for people like the famous actor Robin Williams, or the world renowned and highly respected veterinary behaviorist Dr. Sophia Yin, or the many people whose names you have never heard of, like the young man I mentioned above, please join me. I can be contacted at Mind Companion or via my personal website adrianhoe.com.
“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.”
― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Originally published at adrianhoe.com on October 29, 2014.
