A date

Tinder amazes me, in a platonic kind of way. It is, after all, a crowning achievement of science and engineering on the same magnitude as the nuclear bomb. If you think about it, they’re like twin brothers except one can’t help but walk backwards everywhere. A nuclear bomb explodes from the tiny nucleus of an atom into heat, sound, movement. Tinder is an implosion of humans — globs of heat, sound, movement, neuroses — onto a 6-inch screen. The question of which brother is the one that walks backwards follows trivially and is left to the reader as an exercise. But for me, Tinder is more like a dam than a nuclear bomb in reverse. A veritable Three Gorges Dam with an empty reservoir in the midst of an Biblical drought. Then one day a drop of water fell from the heavens and coloured a splotch of concrete on the dam.

Enough metaphors, what happened was this: I met her at a bustling McDonalds, she was 20 minutes late. When I first saw her, she was about to walk right by me. My lungs sharply took in some air, and I weakly called out “Muriel?” She looked at me, somewhat surprised, and I swear in that moment I could see the disappointment in her eyes — this is who I’m on a date with? No bullshit. At least that’s what I saw.

I had fun nevertheless. It’s always fun to spend time with someone you find attractive, it feels as if your dam is half full. We both gave friends The Catcher in The Rye as birthday gifts. We both liked listening to rap. It’s strange how “connected” you feel with someone just because you consume the same things — consumerism truly is the new religion. After McDonalds we went to an indie movie screening. She was texting someone during a movie about mentally challenged people.

She was funny, too. She made a joke about listening to Kendrick Lamar’s DNA and waking up in a cold sweat, possessed screaming “I got…I got…I got!!!” It was funnier in our language. Humour translates really poorly. It’s sad, but true.

If you read this, you probably know that this is about you. Thanks, I had fun. If you’re feeling nice, would you mind filling out a feedback form?