COMEDIC SKETCH: “Kathy”
Kathy, an old burned-out pageant queen, enters “Sparkle Baby” to compete against the toddlers in her area. Surely her experience and sensual flair will carry her to a win… right? A raunchy take on toddlers in tiaras.. with a twist!
PAGEANT ANNOUNCER: This week on Sparkle Baby, we see babies, teens, and the in-betweens battle it out for the title of little miss rhinestone!
(The screen shifts to a pan out of a bunch of beauty pageant kids with KATHY in the back, sitting down and smoking)
PAGEANT ANNOUNCER: But first, let’s take a look at our contestants!
(Screen cuts to a little girl “Becky Sandalwood,” dressed up nice)
BECKY SANDALWOOD: Hi, I’m Becky, and I am 6 years old and I think that I deserve the title of little miss rhinestone because — because-
(Becky looks behind the camera like mom is wording to her what to say, the camera remains facing Becky as subtitles appear matching what the mom is saying)
MOM: Because I love being pretty and getting cash
BECKY SANDALWOOD: Because I love being shitty and getting ass
PAGEANT ANNOUNCER: Woah! Looks like we got a big baller, folks! Up next is Kathy *BLEEP*!
(Kathy is seen sitting, smoking)
KATHY: Wait, who went before me? That bitch Becky? Ya know, I heard she slept with one of the judges to get into this pageant.
PAGEANT ANNOUNCER: No, that was yo-
KATHY: That’s just a rumor. Bet that bitch Becky started it. Hiiiii I’m Kathy. You can find me on Instagram and Facebook @ MeowItsKathy or on onlyfans…
PAGEANT ANNOUNCER: SO KATHY, it seems that you have an interest in cats! Do you have one?
KATHY: Why don’t you ask Judge Harold?
(Takes a drag of her cig. Uncrosses legs, in editing, will put cat overexposed crotch area with a “meow” sound effect)
KATHY: He LOVES to pet the kitty.
(Kathy paws the air sassily and meows with flare)
PAGEANT ANNOUNCER: Next, we will be moving on to the runway challenge! After this commercial break
PAGEANT ANNOUNCER: And we are back! Everyone say hello to our judges. Now let’s see our first contestant, Milly!
(Milly does a super sweet dance, you can hear KATHY booing)
KATHY: BOOO.GET OFF THE STAGE SLUT. Boooooo
JUDGE: OKAYYY- Thank you, Milly! Next up is Jasmine!
(Another small girl walks out and starts cute dance, everyone in the audience awwwwws)
KATHY: You call that dancing?
(walks on stage)
Watch this shit-
(holds finger in the air as if to ask for a cue to start)
Play the mix-tape I brought
(Stripper music proceeds to play. Kathy is making “sexy” dance moves (body convulsions), cuts to a small child looking horrified by her mother, the mother slowly puts her hands over the kid’s eyes)
KID IN AUDIENCE: Mommy, I’m uncomfortable
KATHY: Welcome to my world kid
(Kathy’s skirt hitches up for the second time, meow sound effect plays again while animated cat faces covers the crotch area)
PAGEANT ANNOUNCER: UHH NOW A WORD FROM ONE OF OUR SPONSORS
PAGEANT ANNOUNCER: That’s right! We are back and onto our last category, special talent! First up is Kathy.
JUDGE: Alright, what is your special talent, Ms. Kathy?
KATHY: MEOW
JUDGE: (Looks at other judges who match his confused expression) Wa-
KATHY: It’s MEOW Kathy, not Ms. Kathy.
JUDGE: Okay, well, meow Kathy-
KATHY: No, no no-(shakes head and makes meow and pawing gesture dramatically)
JUDGE: (sighs and makes cat pawing gesture back)
KATHY: (cutting him off mid meow) My unique talent is winning every divorce settlement I have ever been in. Except for that one time I lost the kids. But who’s the REAL winner here ya know. She knows (winks and points at Becky and her Mom in the audience)
BECKY: Um, I’m 6 years old
KATHY: Jesus Becky, honestly, just shut up. I just-
(Babby babbles interrupts in the audience)
What was that? You talking shit? (Babby babbles again)
Say that one more time, I dare you. (Baby reaction) THAT’S IT
(KATHY goes into the audience, camera pans, grabs clearly fake baby doll and throws it’s across the room, judges hold up signs with the number 10 on them, a booming voice yells TOUCHDOWN while football sirens play)
(HARD cut back into outro)
PAGEANT ANNOUNCER: NEXT TIME ON SPARKLE BABY, IS LITTLE BECKY TOO HOT TO HANDLE? FIND OUT NEXT WEEK ALL THE INFORMATION ON BECKY’S ARSON SCANDAL
