Closing doors

Today I close the door to the past, open the door to the future, and Im taking a deep breath for the unknown.

This post will be one of the shortest and is the one that I have been dreading. The hard times in fertility are what kept me from sharing my story in the first place,Trying to share my heartache when I am still learning to deal with it myself .

Today confirms that we have had our fourth and final IUI failure. I have been getting negative test since Thursday but I’ve been in denial. I broke my own rule, I had my hopes up. Knowing this was our last chance at IUI, I just knew in my heart it would take. Clearly, I was wrong.

I have always been the girl to make a plan and follow it through. I love to succeed in everything I do. In my mind, Im doing everything in my power to help my body be successful but Im struggling because this is completely out of my control. I have full faith that our time is coming, but some days its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Since Thursday, there has been a lot of crying, doubt, and asking why. There is nobody in the world right now who can answer the questions going through my mind. I know this is all in God’s time and he must know that now is not right. Although I have faith, it doesnt make bad days easy.

Waking up to the reality that our IUI journey is finsihed was devastating. I know that this chapter ending will lead to another, but that is what the scary part is. The unknown. Probably because I always want to be in control of my situations. IVF will be our next adventure, and currently I don’t know enough information to share anything. I know enough to be fearful and enough to have hope.

I am so thankful for my family and friends this weekend. There may be no words to make me feel ok at this time but the love given speaks in ways that words never could. Not to mention a great amount of retail therapy and play dates with our nephew, Knox. He makes everything better. I should probably give Knox his own blog! He has a special spot in our hearts. Sometimes I think God placed him in our life at the most perfect time because he has helped Nick and I through fertility more than anyone knows. Last night I caught myself watching him play with Nick, I couldn’t help but cry. They have the most special bond. It just reminded me of how much I want to make Nick and dad, and how much I cant wait to be a mom. I can only imagine how much we will love our own baby if we love Knox this much.

There will be a lot more crying, laughing, and blogging in my future with this new chapter getting ready to begin. Until then, I will be visiting the Dominican, Florida and blowing bubble with Nick and Knox on a sunny day!

With love from a girl who has hopes of being a mommy

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