When You Earn More Money Than Your Man

Money. I don’t understand why something that can be such a bridge in our life can be so evil and hard to discuss. Yet it is. Marriages break up constantly over couples having different viewpoints on money.

I have earned quite a bit of cash in my lifetime, before blogging and especially as a blogger. There is no limit to the amount of money a creative person can earn online if you work your ass off and have a few good ideas and are willing to sweat blood to see them through. I have earned more than my husband for many years because my career shot off and his support of my business is one of the reasons for that success. Eventually he may or may not earn more than I do. And yes, it does create tension in our home because he was raised to believe that the man provides for the woman and that if he cannot do that, he’s not much of a man.

Before you roll your eyes, trust me, it’s not as uncommon as you think that lots of well-educated, handsome, modern, intellectual men feel that way at their core.

Call me old-fashioned, but I never thought I could earn more than a man because when I was a child, men were the ones earning all of the money and women had part-time jobs or, if working full-time, were definitely not in leadership roles as they are today. Naturally, I’m very proud that women have broken the glass ceiling in some parts of the world and can potentially earn more than a man based on their TALENT not on their GENDER. I never understood how a woman can do the same job as a man but earn substantially less simply because she is female.

Sadly though, it’s not equal opportunity everywhere. There are still some countries that we think are developed and first world, that still have glass ceilings. Germany, for instance, is one of them. Living in Germany currently, I’ve seen this firsthand. On the surface, this country seems very advanced, yet women are still having a hard time selling themselves as strong business women and are not always taken seriously if they are go-getters career-wise. Yet a woman runs the country and has for many years, and men here support that and view Angela Merkel as a real powerfrau and with great respect. Yet, these same men don’t always want a Merkel for their wife.

Even in America, you still have this problem though not nearly as pronounced as it once was. Yet it does exist whether we want to believe it or not. Ignoring that these traditional views of family roles still exist isn’t going to make them go away because many men still feel that their worth is tied to how much they earn and when their female partners out-earn them, it can become a burden on their relationship.

What I think is #funnynotfunny though is that lots of men won’t admit this and so some women think the elephant isn’t really in the room. Or, because they currently do earn more than their female partner, they will read this article and say, “Honey I don’t care if you would someday earn more than me”. It’s easy to say until it actually happens.

When you bring this up to your female friends I bet many will be quick to defend their man and shrug it off as “old-fashioned thinking”, “My man would never feel like that!”, “ He loves that I earn more!” or “That’s crazy, men don’t feel that way!”.

Yet, when I asked several educated men from Europe and North America for some money answers AND I promised not to attach their name to any of their viewpoints, the story of earnings was not all happiness and rainbows — in fact, insecurities rose to the surface and many of these men painted a different picture.

Truth is, lots of men still feel insecure dating and/or being partnered with a woman who earns more than they do. I don’t mean 10k a year, I mean much more, like he’s earning 50k and she’s earning 150+k. And does their feeling of insecurity cause us to stop reaching for the stars? No way. Yet it also doesn’t help to push their feelings and concerns aside or worse, undermine them because we feel differently. Strongly entrenched viewpoints don’t disappear just because people stop talking about them.

Look at the current election in the United States. For years, America has been know as a politically correct, progressive, open-minded country with open borders and freedom. Yet lots of Americans obviously felt very different from you and I behind closed doors when it comes to big topics like guns and immigration. DJT started running and the media laughed and so did all of my friends. No one thought he’d make it this far. And now he very well could become our next President.

Again, I say: Strongly entrenched viewpoints don’t disappear just because people stop talking about them.

So when it comes to men and money, will these guys ever openly confess to their partners that they don’t like staying home to raise the kids while she works her executive job? Will they ever say they feel insecure or uncomfortable that their wife earns more than they do? Most likely, no. You try admitting to something that you yourself can’t rationally explain to someone you love and don’t want to hurt.

When I asked men about WHY it bothers them that their wife is earning more, the most common answer I got was that they don’t want to be known as “house husbands” in their circle of friends or “daddy daycare” or worse as, “her bitch!”.

Eek.

And these are educated men that I would even classify as modern on the surface and very open-minded. Most were not religious nor ever have been. Most are anti-Trump, pro-choice and think public breastfeeding is natural and should be allowed. On the flipside, and to be fair, some were religious, either currently or in the past, can’t stand Clinton and are anti-abortion. Yet, both groups held many of the same beliefs when it comes to money, power and power women in their households.

With such a high divorce rate, how can we be so sure that money isn’t causing, on some level, problems in relationships where women are leaders financially speaking? And these problems aren’t just in marriage. Several women that I know who are not partnered but are dating usually see a lack of interest when the guy they’ve been seeing learns she’s making a shitload of cash when he’s just getting by.

Why is money so closely attached to our identity and worth and why does it even matter how much someone is compensated for their job? A 10th grade educator is doing a lot more to change the world than the Instagram Influencer pushing “Detox Tea” on their feed, yet the gap in pay is both astounding and disturbing.

We need to have more conversations, more openly, about money with our friends, our partners, and online. We can’t assume that everyone thinks it’s great that women can, and do, earn more than their partners. We can’t assume that all men are happy to earn less or be “house husbands” just because we think they are okay with it. There are still many men who on the surface, seem to not care, but who really do care, and though we aren’t about to yield and revert back to a time when women stayed home while the man worked the fields, it would do us a lot of good as women to be willing to listen to what viewpoints on money still exist and to work together to remove the barriers and create a bridge of understanding and trust.

Turning around centuries of tradition isn’t easy, but when couples are both honest and have a conversation about roles and money, on a regular basis, you definitely can get to a comfortable and happy place in your relationship that can spread good seeds to other couples in your community and beyond. You can set a strong example to your children that working together is the goal of marriage, and balance keeps a family together, not following traditional roles that place a burden of stress on both partners. Living without electricity and a heating system was also common years ago, but times change and when people see that those changes are actually positive, they are much more willing to jump on the train and adopt them.

Note: Some of this article was published previously on my personal blog, decor8.