An open letter to my rapist
Trigger Warning: Sexual Assault/Rape
I always thought if I was ever raped that I would fight back; kick, scratch, bite. Whatever it took. The sad truth is no one really knows how they would react in that kind of situation, until they have experienced it.
At the age of 21, I was raped, by you. But it wasn’t the kind of rape you see on tv. The aggressive, pull your hair and drag you into a alleyway kind. Nor was it sex during my sleep, which seems to be something that is sometimes mentioned (not nearly enough as it should be though!).
It was my first time meeting you, I told you I wasn’t going to have sex with you before I even got there. AND YOU AGREED. I naively believed that when you said you had a hangover and just wanted pizza and cuddles while we watched a movie, that that is what would actually happen.
You greeted me at the door and gave me a hug. We went to your bedroom and I sat up in your bed. There was no mention of pizza, the tv was on but we hadn’t picked a film and there was no cuddling involved. Then you just had sex with me. Normal missionary sex.
For 3 years after, I had convinced myself that it was not rape and that you couldn’t have known that I didn’t want it. The thing is, I said no. I said no 3 times and I moved your hand away. Then when your hand turned into your penis, I just froze and gave up. I knew you just weren’t going to listen to me. Maybe deep down, I thought it would just be easier if I let you have your way with me if I didn’t argue.
The thing is, I didn’t think that - not in any words. I didn’t think anything. I went entirely numb and spaced out. I even told you how good it was afterwards (it was utterly shit).
I was checked out the entire time — I was basically just a sex doll to you.
When you finished, you didn’t say a thing. You just rolled over and went to sleep. I grabbed my coat and sobbed in the taxi all the way home. It was then that I started realising the gravity of my situation. You had sex with me, without my consent. That’s rape.
For 3 years I beat myself up about this decision. Until a therapist told me it wasn’t my fault. At 24 years old, that was the first time anyone had told me I wasn’t to blame for what you did to me. It was also the first time anyone had used the term rape about my story. That word hit hard. I didn’t want to be a rape victim, so I chose to become a rape survivor instead.
I want to thank you for emphasising safety when meeting a person for the first time. Up until that point, I was using tinder to meet up with strangers left right and centre for sex. The difference is, this time I went with zero intention of shagging. But you taught me not to trust people at their word, just because you said what I wanted to hear “Pizza, movie and cuddles” I thought that’s what was going to happen. Little did I know that wasn’t in your plan.
Thanks to you, I now meet people in a public place for a first date and if they question me or joke (about being a murderer — somehow that’s the common joke, not rapist??) Then I just say I have my reasons and if you don’t want to respect that then that’s on you. *unmatch*
What I also want you to know is I am now 25 and I am still dealing with unresolved issues because of the incident that YOU were responsible for. The instant I got home I cried and cried into my housemates' arms. 3 girls of the same age and the love and support never felt so real. Then I rang my dad in tears and he said, and I quote:
“Well what did you expect was gonna happen?”
I was shocked at his response and again for years later this was an unspoken grudge I held against him. He said to me “what do you want me to do about it?” and I didn’t have an answer. My answer now would have been, just listen to me. My dad and I have since spoken about this and although it’s not healed, I have forgiven him. I took out the emotional pain from the rape on my dad because he was around and you were not, because of that you damaged my relationship with my father. It will never be the same now.
The most recent experience at the age of 25 (4 years after) was getting my smear test done for the first time. I had the loveliest nurse, she explained everything clearly, I consented and she inserted the speculum. What I did not expect, was how I would feel during and after this experience. I felt completely violated and walked out of the clinic with my head hanging low. I have never walked home so fast, tears streaming down my face the second I got out of the clinic. I had no idea why I was crying and I couldn’t understand it because it didn’t hurt. I got home and collapsed onto my bed and cried like I had never cried before. I couldn’t stop. I ended up googling “why am I crying after my pap smear” and came across hundreds of thousands of results describing how a cervical smear is commonly known to trigger people that have been sexually assaulted. I wish the nurse had told me that. Maybe then I would have been prepared for the reaction and not feel so abnormal.
So unthankyou because to this day, 4 years after you raped me, I still think about you. I still see your face and I think of your name at completely random times in my day to day life. I don’t want to think about you, but even this letter flowed from my brain at 2am because I couldn’t sleep unless I wrote it all out.
Unthankyou for affecting me years in the future whilst you sit at home feeling safe with your white male privilege and your can do attitude, even when women tell you you can’t.
Finally, UNFUCK YOU. I want to say fuck you but I wouldn’t want you misreading that as consent. So instead I’m taking back the fuck that you took from me and I’m throwing it back in your face because even though I can’t change what happened to me, I can change how I deal with it going forward.
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