The Long Sleep

There is a pressure I can feel sitting deep in my gut like a hefty burrito I guzzled down before work. Lately this pressure has found it’s way up into my throat with a gentle yet uncomfortable request to be recognized as an issue. I literally have not been able to swallow my food lately. This pressure building in my throat is the physical manifestation of my ever present thoughts about the legacy I will leave.

When I wake up, I’m thinking about the person I want to be. When I go to work, I wonder how I will effect people. When I eat, I ingest the weight of my decisions thus far in the day. When I train, I feel the heaviness of every lift increasing my capacity for more out of life. When I go to sleep, I ache with curiosty. Was is enough? Was it too much?

What will people say about me if I don’t survive this sleep?

This might all sound a little intense and maybe even grim, but this is how my brain works.

I changed my diet lately to a fat-full calorie-full protein-full energy sourced food plan and as much as I love it, I also feel deprived. Full, but deprived. I know it is better for my overall health, but I can’t help but feel like I am depriving myself of other delicious things like hello, PIZZA AND DONUTS. Misery. Overall, I do feel more clarity and connected with my body, which is exactly what I wanted to feel, but the sacrifice is more apparent than the results currently. Let’s be honest, sacrifice is not apealing. Sacrifice usually sounds like a terrible obligatory devotion to something I don’t care about nearly as much as I am supposed to. Which brings me back to this pressure.

If you read my thoughts again (a few paragraphs up) and take away the pressure of time and perfection, they really are not terrible thoughts to have. In fact, they are rather healthy and enlightening thoughts to have. What I am feeling today is this intense realization of the two paradigms I choose to live in and how that has hindered and also prospered the apparent fruits of my life. One of positivity and one of negativity. So the question I ask myself today is “Holly, can you strip away the pressure of time and perfection and give yourself an environment of acceptance and freedom?” Because what drives me in acceptance and freedom is a different energy called desire. And desire carries me through sacrifice. All of a sudden, sacrifice doesn’t sound so terrible, it sounds like a simple shedding of the unnecessary. This perspective shift of sacrifice is imperitive for the grandness of my legacy to come to fruition because, no doubt, sacrifice will be necessary.

Gah I already feel the pressure lifting as I write this.

When I feel pressure guiding my legacy, it gets infintesimally smaller and clearly impossible. When I move out of desire, I feel the same energy of impossibility but instead of it leading to defeat, it brings an even greater victory story. The awareness of my responsibility in the pressure-based pattern of death (i.e. The Long Sleep) feels like an adventure. I can dance in either paradigm but one feels a heck of a lot more fun.

I don’t know if my legacy is going to be all that big or all that grand. I don’t know if I will bravely, consistently explore the realm of desire. I don’t know if I will wake up tomorrow. But I feel powerful and I can feel it coming out of me and transferring to you and that’s a start.

Originally published at on August 5, 2015.