Nine months.
I understand that my last post was a little bit negative and angry; I was a bit annoyed when I wrote it, and just wanted a bit of a vent. Admittedly, with the nature of blogs like these, it probably sounded a lot worse than it actually was — and to be honest, it’s true to say that I overreacted. I don’t want to excuse transphobia — I just feel that, in hindsight, I probably need to chill out; there are people out there who get it a hell of a lot worse.
So, as you may well know, it’s been nine months since I came out as transgender. On the whole, it has been an extremely positive experience. When I first came out, I knew I was doing the right thing; but there was that feeling in the back of my mind — the self-consciousness and little doubts kicking in. Are people staring at me? Do I still look like a man? Shit, dare I open my mouth, because I know my voice is still a little deep? Have I over-done the make-up? Does it look like I’m trying too hard? Am I not trying hard enough?
As time has gone on, those little questions do still spring to mind, I am learning not to let them rule who I am — just shut them out, and be the person that I am. I also feel that my confidence has grown.
I know I can’t speak for everyone, but it takes more for me as a trans girl to blend in and be part of everyone else, than to stand out like the proverbial elephant in the room. After all, I’m just another woman living her life. A case and point would be this week, when I was at a day school with my university, there was no anxiety, no judgement, I was just part of the group with everyone else; and we were all there for the same reasons, to learn, and to meet other students — because a lot of the course can be quite lonely!
It sounds a bit corny, but time can be a great healer — I know I’m still in the early stages of my transition, but if I’m still writing this in a year, or even longer, I know that those niggling thoughts will be almost zero.
So, here’s to the future. More smiles, less worries — and living my life in the only way that I know how!
