Turn Back

You know, there have been moments these past nine years — many moments — where I have wondered if I am truly a ‘christian.’ The reasons I wonder this vary with the season. I have been told by atheists and friends, “it’s nice for you that you are a Christian, it gives you something to cling to when life gets hard. If it makes you feel better, great. But I just don’t ‘need that.’”

Today, I am convinced, I really am a christian. Here’s why:

I am mad at God. Taboo I know.

My King, the one I adore — has felt far off. The one I turn to in times of trouble — is silent. For the first time since I gave over my life to Jesus nine years ago. I am mad at Him. I do not “feel” better when I turn to Him. I want to run away. There are moments when being a mom has made me want to run. This move to Seattle has made me want to run. I want to run. I don’t know where but I want to run far, far away. I cry at night. (please don’t feel bad for me- really don’t — this isn’t about getting people to feel bad for me — especially if you know I am not a crier — which by the way I am now). I feel alone. I feel abandoned by the God of the universe. I feel my prayers fall on deaf ears. I don’t get Him. He seems mean. How could He be good?? I used to think He was good…

Then…God.

His word is in my soul. It is in my mind. “Repent and turn back…”(Acts 3:19) Turn back. Turn back. Turn back. I tell myself. Turn back, Holly. Turn. Turn. Turn. The other way is danger. The other way is destruction. It is true death. When you choose a life of, “come and die” (Luke 9:23–24) so that you might have life — His word becomes your anthem. The bible is more than stories — oh it is so, so much more. It is inerrant. It is breathed by the same God who breathed the earth into existence. His breath alone breathed life into Adam (Genesis 1:26). Life into dry bones (Ezekiel 37). Jesus is the word of God made into a living person (John 1:14).

Today is the day I am sure. I am convinced that I am truly God’s daughter because although I am mad at Him, I still love Him. I still want to be near to Him. I know to turn back. And I do. Everyday. When I am at the end of my rope. When I want to scream. When I am alone and I miss my friends — I turn back.

If it is true that God is just there as a crutch for us weaklings, as much of the world thinks about Christians, then I have been fooled. I have been serving a small god all these years. If He is indeed just there as a good teacher, as just a friend, as just a genie — then I am the fool. But He is so much more than an entity I turn to when I am lonely or sad. I don’t want to pick up my bible everyday and read through Genesis and now Exodus, which is what I started reading in January, But I do — because, He is more than just a feeling to me. He is everything to me.

He is not my crutch — He created a heart of worship in me. He took my heart of stone, my foolish ways, and turned them all toward Jesus. Not so that I can “feel” better — but so that my life can be reconciled with God. So that, I can turn back.

Many people have the question, “if God is good, how can He allow evil?” When Adam and Eve sinned in Eden they didn’t just like eat an apple and boom now people are “bad.” It goes SO much deeper. It is SO much worse than people think. In that moment their closeness to God the Father was broken (they hid from him — Genesis 3:8). Their closeness to each other was broken (they realized they were naked — Genesis 3:10). Their closeness with themselves was broken (try to be God — Genesis 3:5). Their closeness with the earth was broken (the ground is cursed because of Adam — Genesis 3:17). The fall was four fold. Sin permeates everything. Every. Single. Thing. Every single bone. Every single snowflake. Every single speck of water. Every single relationship.

Lately I have been asking myself, “will I ever be happy again.” As one who knows, I should seek joy over happiness, I know that something about that question is intrinsically wrong. I am unsure what about it seems wrong but I just know it is the wrong question. I want to feel happy — because this world tells us — if you feel happy — things are right. I want things to be right. If we are faced with any feelings other than happiness — something is wrong. We have to face it — we have to see that something is broken — mainly ourselves. We don’t want things to be broken. Everything needs to be just right. Our lives, our image, our emotions.

This is what being a ‘christian’ means. It means, accepting that these things broke. They cannot just fix themselves. That is the point of Jesus. It doesn’t mean living a life of good feelings and following good rules to be a ‘good’ person. Anyone who tells you that, or pretends they are ‘good’– please don’t listen to them — because they are like me. I am obsessed with comfort. I put comfort on God’s throne. God is overlooked for things that make my life easier.

If my faith was solely based on feelings and a crutch for a god — I would be long gone by now. I would have run a long time ago. But I serve Yahweh- the great ‘I Am.’ He always has been and always will be. He is worthy of my adoration even in the moments when I am mad at him. Even when I ponder that my son was created by Him and for Him. Even when I am broken at the end of the day because this season of life is HARD — He is still God and my relationship with Him is possible because of Jesus.

About a year ago I needed to once again, turn back. Remind myself of what was true about today. If you are reading this and you don’t follow Jesus some of these may not make sense to you — but despite that — they are true. I hope one day His word will be your anthem, too.

Today God is King. Today Yahweh is the same as yesterday and He will be the same tomorrow. Today Jesus stands in my place. Today God is Jehovah Jireh (the lord is my provider). Today God is Jehovah Nissi (the lord is my banner). Today God longs for souls to be reconciled. Today God is creator. Today God is the beginning and the end — alpha and omega. Today God is shepherd. Today God’s robe fills the temple. Today God sustains. Today the Holy Spirit lives within me. Today Jesus is a friend to sinners. Today God is Holy. Today Jesus is my prize. Today Christ reigns at the right hand of God the Father. Today the sun shines because Christ allowed it to. Today God is peace. Today God shows perfect justice. Today God keeps His covenant. Today God’s law is right. Today God is — ‘I am.’ Today God is mercy. Today Jesus is salvation. Today God’s grace is overflowing. Today I am Christ’s. Today I am — daughter of God. Today I am righteous. Today I am accepted. Today Christ pursues. Today I pursue Christ. Today God is all wisdom and knowledge. Today Jesus is the propitiation for sin. Today God is the Lion of Judah. Today I turn back.