Dear diary.
Last year, when I was suffering with my anxiety, I thought that it would be a good idea to keep a written diary; outlining my thoughts and feelings at the time. Recently, I had a look back through the book — more specifically, back to last September, following a fancy-dress session at work, where I was ‘Debbie’ (I didn't really have a female name).
This isn't the first time I have dressed up, pre-transition. I used to always chomp at the bit to find an excuse to dress up; Christmas parties, Halloween, ‘Hollywood Night’ — that kind of thing. In fact, the charity night was my idea — I simply approached my boss: ‘If we raise over £500 over the charity week, I’ll do Sunday night as a woman’.
I was in two minds whether to publish this diary online; but nearly a year on, it’s quite interesting to see how far I've come. So, here goes, here is a part of my diary from that time — I have taken a decision to edit some small parts out, but most of it is here:
Sunday 13th September 2015
I'm actually becoming confused about who I am. My identity crisis is getting into my gender.
The more I think about it — the more I feel that I've never been a “manly” man, always slightly effeminate; but not feminine enough to be a woman. So I'm in a bit of a “flux” state. In the past when I've dressed up, I've played it for laughs, and as a bit of a joke.
But tonight, was slightly different. I found myself more comfortable with being “Debbie” — it sounds like a cliché, but she felt like me. […] it seemed natural.
So, where do I go from here? Maybe become gender-fluid — or just asexual.
Would I have the confidence to go out in normal situations; not fancy dress — as a woman? Maybe I should take my time before rushing anything.
Monday 14th September 2015
A worry that I have if I were to make this decision is how others would see me. Will they just see me as slightly weird — just attention seeking. Or just see me as a “bloke in a wig and dress”?
Over the past few years, I thought my dilemma was with my sexuality — am I gay, straight, bisexual, or just confused. Truth is, I have no interest in a sexual relationship — I don’t mind being single, as long as I have a good network of friends.
No truer words are said in jest. Talking to [my manager] at work on Sunday, I laughed off the fact that I may be in transition. Even having customers complimenting me on how I look — and my figure — made me actually feel quite good.
I've never spoken to anyone about this. How would I start that conversation — who would I speak to, in a serious way — I need someone to confide in, but I can’t think who?
This isn't a snap decision — not impulsive in the slightest. This has stemmed from years of trying to think of who I am. And I realise that with all the talk and coverage in the media regarding transgender people, […] it may seem like I'm jumping on the transgender bandwagon, and in a weird way, following the fashion.
It’s not a light decision. I have given this a lot of thought.
I have my personal issues. I just don’t need to share them online.
Tuesday 15th September 2015
I just couldn't do it. I couldn't confide in a friend about how I feel.
Looking in the mirror across the bar, I didn't see myself — I don’t know who I saw, it wasn't a man.
I just don’t know what to do, or who to talk to. Who will take me seriously, and not laugh it off?
Fuck, I'm trapped in my own mental challenge — and I've no-one to turn to.
And I left it there, and stopped the diary. I dismissed my thoughts at the time; just thought that I was just ‘being silly’ and that I should just keep on being a man. And that was probably the worst thing. My anxiety and depression came back over the following eight months. Looking back, I now realise it was Holly-Jane, literally screaming to get out.
Now I am in the best possible place in my life. I should have started the transition a long, long time ago.
Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?
