Detoxing the Body (and apparently the Mind and Soul too)
Hello words, it’s been a while. Since I’ve felt connected to the flow, to the pool of thoughts and emotions welling up waiting to be written- to have their time in the light. Feelings and ideas illuminated and not pushed down into that place where my “stuff” goes. Because I don’t have time. Because the baby is crying and wants to be held. Because the dishwasher needs emptied, the flowers need watered and there are 5 loads of clean laundry waiting to be folded and put away. Because I’m so great at ignoring my hurts and fears and tucking them away. I have a million excuses to not address them, but it’s time. Now it’s time.
About a week ago I awoke to my heart telling my mind that it’s time for a diet cleanse. We’d been traveling a lot and I’d indulged- overindulged. I could feel the sludge in my body. What started out as a pretty innocent “I’m going to clean up my diet for around 10 days ” has turned into probably one of the deepest and most profound spiritual experiences I’ve had.
Where to begin: I watched a documentary on Netflix called “What the Health” which inspired me to cut out all dairy and meat from my diet “for around 10 days” just to see how I felt. I know there’s a lot of controversy over this particular documentary, but whatever. I’ve always been a fan of experimenting with my diet to see what feels right to me. I’ve done the Whole30 a few times, experimented with pure Paleo eating, went Vegan for a time, carb loaded when I was working out a ton and running extremely long distances. But what I found this time is that I felt lighter almost immediately. I also began taking supplements- lots of anti-oxidants and liver supporting aids, essential vitamins such as D, E and B complex that I felt my body was just lacking. I started to journal my thoughts every day when I realized that cleansing my body was no good if I didn’t also cleanse my mind. I prayed ferociously for God to show me what was next, and boy He sure has. I started drinking a cup of hot lemon water every morning before anything else and doing a yoga series- whether I “had the time” or not. I just did it and started taking that time for myself.
Emotions started to come up. Scary ones. Memories that I hadn’t thought about for a long time. I could feel them pooling in my stomach and rising up until there was a huge knot in my throat. I told my husband I felt like I was watching a sad movie and trying not to cry- all of the time. This was about 3 days in. I realized that I needed a release. I started doing research and reading everything I could get my hands on about “detoxing” the body and realized I really got myself into something much bigger than I had originally anticipated. This wasn’t just going to be a few days of cleaning up my diet, I just dove head first into a pool of intense healing. I wasn’t anticipating this, but I was willing to accept what was coming up.
I read about Chinese Medicine and how the liver is where emotions are stored- no wonder I had this reaction when I started to take liver supporting supplements and physically cleansing my liver. I read about Yoga and why I was having emotional releases when I held certain poses. I let the tears flow. I read about how our memories are not just stored in our brains, that it’s been scientifically proven that they’re stored all over our body- in the 7 octillion atoms that make up our human body. I reminded myself about Albert Einstein’s theory on matter and how everything is made of energy. If this is true, that means my body is not solid matter- just energy slowed down enough that I can experience it as solid. It made me think about what I had read years ago about cellular memories and how we can’t truly heal physically, mentally or spiritually until we heal those cells. I read about ecstatic dancing for release and then experimented with it. The tears continued to come. And the best part is- I’m really not into that woo-woo New Age stuff anymore, but that’s not what this is at all. Energy is just science. I am able to think about this process with my logical brain while allowing myself to also have a heart opening, healing, spiritual experience.
I read a friend’s quote today that said something like “There’s a difference between being broken and broken open”. I related to her words and felt compelled to tell her that’s exactly where I am too. I am broken wide open. It feels tender but it’s not pain like carrying around years of grief, guilt, shame and anger. This process is deep, expansive, terrifying at times. But I’m all in now. The depth of my pain is not a black hole that I will never come out of if I get too close to it. My soul has been waiting a long time for me to be willing to do this, and I am now. It’s not just physical- this is mental, emotional and spiritual as well.
So if I seem distant or tender, or spacey, weepy or joyful: this is why. Maybe look into diving into that pool with me. Realizing (again) that I am responsible for my experience here on this Earth- that I am responsible for my reactions no matter what happens “to” me. To know that I am responsible for my thoughts and healing my innermost self, to benefit my children, my husband and all of the future generations has been the most empowering feeling.
I’m not sure what is next, but I’ll update. This process has been rich. If you have any tips or insights, I’d love to hear them.
I keep hearing in the echoes of my beating heart, “In healing there is freedom”. Freedom!
