Are We Sure Our Candidates Are Humans?
Forget the “trustworthiness” or “competence for office” questions. I’ve began to increasingly question whether Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are even human beings at all. The facts:
Hillary admits short circuiting
There is already ample proof of Hillary’s robotic delivery, whether in her speeches, interviews, stump speeches, defense of Bill Clinton’s latest misbehavior, etc. But last week, she came out and admitted the truth for all to see and hear. In order to figure out another way to con the American electorate, who obviously didn’t buy her dubious claim about her email server. She falsely claimed that she was deemed honest by FBI Director James Comey all along, and so in a new spin of defense to the press, Hillary let her rubber, flesh-like human mask slip:
“That’s really the bottom line here and I have said, during the interview and in many other occasions over the past months, that what I told the FBI, which he said was truthful, is consistent with what I have said publicly…So I may have short-circuited it and for that, I will, you know, try to clarify,”
Please do clarify, Janey 5.
Sometimes, an MS DOS reboot does just the trick, but I’m no IT guy.
Honest question for the incoming technological overlords: if and/or when Skynet is in charge come January 2017, will we still be allowed to throw away old computer equipment without being imprisoned? Asking for a friend of course, there’s no way I would ever damage precious circuit boards on purpose in such a severe act of mutilation. But yeah, I just want to make sure there won’t be a new crimes against robot-manity under our potential Circuitous Commander in Chief.
Donald Trump says “Trump” instead of “I” or “me” almost always
On the other side of the aisle, we have a whole different kind of mystery of “is this a human?” in Donald Trump. The guy is constantly referring to himself in the 3rd person so much that we’re left with one of a few possible conclusions:
1. We are all in the midst of one long Donald Trump acid trip. He’s literally having an out-of-body experience from a 17 month Election Campaign LSD trip. Donald is viewing himself from outside of his body and therefore it only makes sense not to use a first person identifier for fear the large Anteater hears him and decides to devour him.
2. Donald Trump has been re-incarnated as Rickey Henderson from the 1990s. And during every appearance on SportsCenter, he would say something like “Donald Trump doesn’t strike out because Donald Trump is better than that.”
3. This explanation makes the most sense to me: Donald Trump is probably a card-carrying member of the Sovereign Citizen movement. And by card-carrying, I say that jokingly because they obviously don’t encourage paper trails so as to avoid Government intrusion and therefore not pay taxes. The Sovereign movement also goes to great lengths to not use all caps when typing their names because technically, the all-caps version of your name is a shell corporation (i.e. not really human!) and that’s the only legal way the Uncle Sam can “steal your paycheck.”
Really, any of the above three make perfect sense as to why “The Donald” would never refer to himself in the first person. You see, he is best understood as Kevin Spacey in the movie K-Pax,
always observing human behavior, but never quite embracing it as his own because that would be too risky since he’s an alien (spoiler alert).
So, where do we go from here? If we do decide to head down the “non-human candidate route,” can we at least be a bit more creative with our available options?
Personally speaking, Clint Eastwood’s empty chair at the 2012 RNC Convention is looking like a very viable candidate right about now.
And what’s not to like? Chair is running on quite the durable platform, even though the criticisms about his wooden delivery, while inevitable, are a bit trite. Chair also has four sturdy corners of policy support that we need and expect from a serious Presidential contender. Who wouldn’t sit down for that?
