Imperfect Cookies

I believe things went well this past holiday. I’d finally managed to create a system whereby I could properly portion and time out my recipes. I knew I would need to get a 5 to 7 day start if I planned on delivering not only a meal for December 25th, but for the day prior. One of my planned deliverables was a cookie platter with three different types of cookies. The trio consisted of chocolate chip, deli-style soft sugar cookies, and snickerdoodles. The outcome was a hit. However, for me personally, I felt they were a disaster.

The chocolate chip cookies stayed on the sheets a few seconds too long, meaning they were going to finish crunchier than the chewy that I intended. I forgot to flatten the sugar cookie dough, so we ended up with snowball-shaped somethings. I forgot to chill the snickerdoodle dough before baking, thereby leaving us with slabs. Most of these are gone now, happily consumed by family and myself. They’ve been delightful in their quirkyness, and quite delicious to boot. So why am I being so mournful?

As a gifted child, I was conditioned from an early age. Acceptance into society was transactional based upon how well we performed, not only overall, but in our chosen subject of hyperfocus, even if it wasn’t our subject of hyperfocus the next day, or even hour. If we failed, which, sadly, in this era could mean getting a “B” in a subject, we were “not living up to potential”, or strongly discouraged to pursue something we would most definitely not succeed in. The inconsistent support meant many interests may have been abandoned at different stages of development.

A social media post by youbullcathedrals that reads: if u were a gifted/talented child who grew into an anxious adult w fragile self worth and a perfectionist streak that makes u abandon things if ur not good at them immediately clap ur hands

Throughout our deconstruction of this conditioning, we may feel fearful of pursuing those interests that we may have abandoned due to outside pressures, and the underlying disdain for turning over anything that is not “perfect”. I’ve come to realize within myself, that nagging urge for perfection destroying my productivity and, in turn, trust with my colleagues. I absolutely loathed the thought of turning over code or documentation that wasn’t fit to my distorted sense of perfection. I could have benefited from the feedback I received if I had shared as I progressed. However, in my mind, it had to be right the first time or I was totally unworthy. It was a wholly self-destructive cycle.

I now find myself in the GameDevHQ program, learning to share my work. There is no requirement for it to be perfect. The entire process is about obtaining and sharing feedback and applying changes. I’ve submitted what I have, knowing it’s not perfect. But, like the snowball sugar cookies that eventually became cookie pops, to stumbling upon a new method to make gingerbread house pieces more flexible, I do believe I can only improve on what I’ve got. It’s a little less disastrous in therms of thinking. I think it’ll help in the long run make those “imperfect cookie” projects built even better, and faster with collaboration instead of a sense of utter failure.