A day on the internet in 2017: An internal transcript

I’M OUTRAGED AT THE STATE OF THIS COUNTRY I DON’T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE AND — hold up, is that a hedgehog wearing a sombrero? Are you kidding me? Are those actual maracas right next to him? No, those have to be made out of Q-Tips or something. Or maybe they’re real. I can’t tell. No, they’re real. Are they? Well, either way, one thing’s for sure, I’m getting a hedgehog tomorr — JESUS CHRIST ON A CRACKER, YOU’D THINK I’D BEEN ASLEEP FOR 2–1/2 YEARS INSTEAD OF ONE GOD DAMN NIGHT. ARE THESE HEADLINES FOR REAL IS THIS REAL LIFE. SO WE’RE BOMBING ANOTHER COUNTRY NOW? PERFECT, LET’S START ONE MORE WAR BECAUSE THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT’S BEEN MISSING FROM THIS CAVALCADE OF CALAMITY— uhhhh is that a baby panda trying to climb up the leg of the guy cleaning his cage? You go, little buddy! Awwwwww, look at his fluffy butt. Okay, Mr. Guy, you can try picking him up and putting him back in that tree but no way is that baby panda giving up on climbing your leg so easily. That’s just not who he is! But you do what you gotta do, man. Yup, there he goes. It’s too much, I can’t even stand it. Panda’s an odd word when you think about it. Panda panda panda panda panda, it really loses all meaning, it’s like why not just call him a — OH MY GOD ARE WE EVEN SURE THERE ARE ENOUGH HUMAN BEINGS ABOVE GROUND FOR EVERY INDEPENDENT COMMISSION, OVERSIGHT COMMITTEE, INVESTIGATION, AND EVENTUAL JURY OF ONE’S PEERS THAT THIS GOVERNMENT IS GOING TO REQUIRE? IT’S LIKE LAW & ORDER, VEEP, AND HOUSE OF CARDS THREW UP ALL OVER THE FRONT PAGE OF THE NEW YORK TIMES. ARE WE LIVING IN AN ACTUAL MOVIE OR — stop. That is not a Dalmatian riding a bicycle. No it’s not, shut up. Shut. Your fucking. Face. My heart can’t take it! Look at you go, little buddy! Look at that skinny tail sticking straight out from his butt, like one of those balancing sticks that high-wire guys use! You know, like that French guy, what’s his name? Philippe, Pierre, something. Anyway, how do you even train a dog to — WHAT IN THE ACTUAL FUCK, IS THAT AN ENTIRE CONFERENCE ROOM TABLE OF NOTHING BUT GROSS WHITE MEN AND/OR A ROOM-SIZED BOWL OF OATMEAL WITH FACES DECIDING WHAT TO DO ABOUT THE ENTIRETY OF MATERNAL HEALTHCARE?! THAT IS THE LAST GOD DAMN STRAW. HERE, YOU GRAB THE PITCHFORKS, I’LL GET THE TORCHES THEN WE’LL— are those? Are those? All little kittens? Mewing for their dinner? I just … can’t … I want all of them. Give me all the kittens and I’ll stuff them in my pockets and stick a couple in my bra. Are they climbing up that screen door with their little sharp claws and mewing, mewing, mewing?! Oh my god I just want to s-q-u-e-e-z-e them, and friggin hard too. I don’t mean that literally of course, it’s just a figure of speech, I’m not a psychopath for god sak — THAT’S FUCKING IT. I’M DRIVING STRAIGHT TO D.C. TONIGHT WITH A CAN OF GASOLINE AND A FISTFUL OF MATCHES TO BURN THAT SLOW MOTION SHITSHOW TO THE GOD DAMN GROUND. WE ARE STARTING OVER, AMERICA, WE ARE MOTHERFUCKING STARTING OVER FROM SCRATCH. WE HAD A GOOD RUN BUT IT’S TIME TO — oh ho ho, that is *not* a hedgehog at a tiny tiki bar with tiny cocktails. Is he related to the other hedgehog with the sombrero? Is this a thing? I want this to be a thing. I need this to be a thing. What are those tiny barstools made out of? Are those … corks … attached to … toothpicks?! Oh my god, I love people so much. People are the absolute best — OH FOR FUCK SAKES, LUNCH SHAMING? REALLY, AMERICA? I WANT TO SLAP EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU WITH A PIECE OF BREAD AND A SLICE OF GOVERNMENT-ISSUED CHEESE. I HATE PEOPLE, PEOPLE ARE THE GOD DAMN WORST.

Kimberly Harrington is a copywriter and creative director, a contributor to McSweeney’s Internet Tendency and Funny or Die, and is the co-founder and editor of parenting humor site RAZED. She’s currently working on two books at the same time because she loves feeling frustrated. Follow her on Twitter if you’re always ready for a knife fight.