(Kindly) F*ck the shaming of hope.

Dear neighbors!
I’m continuously saddened and infuriated (each in turn!) by the regular practice of shaming hope, optimism, and community trust that happens on community forums, blogs, and media.

All to often, a resident of Newburgh, the historical city outside of NYC where I live, responds to an online comment or question with a:
“Why not ask for help!” or
“Aren’t things great!” or
“I have faith things are getting better, and I want to try too!”
And another resident who positions themselves as more ‘seasoned’ in the ways of Newburgh proceeds to ‘show them the ropes’ of:
“No, help isn’t coming!” or
“It can’t get better, haven’t you opened your eyes!” or
“Person X did this and now Newburgh is an irrevocable dump!”.

I’ve been shocked by the shaming of hope in the growing Newburgh, NY. Shaming that reminds me of the great work by Alice Miller, “The Drama of Being a Child.”
In this very recommendable book, Mz. Miller describes how hurt is too often passed from generation to generation: The parent who was treated cruelly as a child assumes the ‘powerful’ role he himself was mistreated under as soon as he can, by lording over his/her own child and inflicting an identical and reprehensible hurt. By being ‘powerful,’ the hurt parent feels he/she escapes his pain and offers needed advice and training; in fact, he not only fails to grow beyond the limitations that were (unjustly!) put on him/her, he also exposes his emotional shortcomings and perpetuates his own wounding well into the future.

IF no-one steps in to break the cycle.

Mindsets are self-fulfilling prophecies.
Our ‘parents’ in Newburgh, those neighbors among us who have been living here the longest, have experienced some very REAL traumas which were wholly UNDESERVED. Poverty, crime, discrimination, governmental corruption — Yes! These problems were and are real in Newburgh, and many of our neighbors living in Newburgh have experienced very real and tangible injustices because of these issues. Many have become disillusioned, worn out, bitter, regretful of their decision to move here, or worse. This is not their fault.

And it isn’t the fault of the ‘children’ of Newburgh either. The young, bright, hopeful, excited, socially engaged, active and completely starry-eyed ‘happy idiots’ who are among those who were born or have moved more recently to this town.

Mindsets are self-fulfilling prophecies, and they are INHERITED,
IF no-one steps in to break the cycle.

On these forums, which I read because I am interested in my neighbors, I feel a heavy weight of ‘education,’ ‘paternal/maternal teaching,’ and ‘cultural training’ being imposed on me by my ‘parent’ neighbors of Newburgh.
You, hurt parent-neighbors of Newburgh, teach me hurt, not hope. You teach me that there is no one to help me. That no-one should be trusted, on the street or in government. You fetishize crime and garbage and perpetuate fear. You teach me to be a victim.
And I wish you would (kindly) fuck off.

I’m proudly new to Newburgh. I moved here from Europe to start a life with my husband and grow a family. I’m starting a business located in the heart of downtown. I love my neighbors, and I love my crappy building with a leaking roof, and I love the resident pan-handler on my block that jokes with me every day. All these things, these experiences, are MINE and I’ll carry them sweetly in my memory for the rest of my life.
I’m shamelessly hopeful!! Newburgh is an amazing gem of Americana and the most walkable, most European-feeling city in America I have ever been to. I love exploring Latin food and meeting crazy artists taking on meaningful and fun projects around every corner. Yes, there is garbage, yes there is crime, and drugs, and guns and bad people (I’m not THAT much of a starry-eyed ‘idiot’!) but damn it if there aren’t amazingly supportive people and fabulous opportunities IF on has the eyes to see them.

Yes, there is a time and place to discuss ‘negative’ happenings and moments in life. I’m comfortable with people expressing anger and sadness directly and completely, and believe doing so to be a high-minded rule for quality living.
But there is a way of expressing sadness or anger that builds community, understanding, and collective empathy — and a fundamentally different way of looping and recycling it which erodes all of the above. I personally hope I can have the awareness and empathy to choose the former.

I invite my Newburgh neighbors to become both empowering neighbor-parents and rebellious, self-determining neighbor-children! Together, we can make the culture of Newburgh a choice, not an inherited hurt. (And plus, make the forums less of a bummed-out pain to read!) ;)

Best, and hope for spring,
Sarah Beckham Hooff