Finding My Happy

I’ve spent the last three days in bed, horribly sick, and I took that time to really think about all of these things that have happened in 2016. This year has already been a handful! But, you know what, I am doing pretty damn well. I may be sick, but I feel happy; a happiness I haven’t felt in quite some time actually. I talked to my closest and dearest friends today and I was reminded of how much life can change. The ebb and flow of life can be rocky and smooth, we just need to know how to handle the situations that come to us. There are always situations that occur that we don’t know how to handle. I, of course, am guilty of this. I did, however, learn that when an upsetting situation escalates into the same rote arguments over and over, it’s just time to walk away. There is no finding a solution. There’s just anger. That frustrates me to no end, but I cannot change the outcome of a situation. Sometimes, you just have to walk away. I did so with my mother, and despite all of her tactics to guilt me into speaking with her, she just wasn’t successful in changing my mind. As someone pointed out to me last week, I am not horribly forgiving. This is 100% true, and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I have given too many chances to too many people. I finally stood up and said “no more”. I’m done letting people continually hurt me and then turn around and tell me they care. That’s okay, you can say that you care. You may even mean it. However, I’m no longer allowing your care to mean that I will continue to accept the hurtful things you’ve done and sweep them under the rug.

I’ve let many people go this last year and I have walked away from a few in the last two months. I was saddened and angry, but I’ve come to terms with those decisions. There will be good and bad days. Days when I will want to pick up the phone and call those people and text them. But, I will get through those days. I will miss those people, but I will remember the hurt and pains those people have caused and I’ll understand that letting those people go was a step in a new direction. Hopefully, the right direction.

There is a sadness in every goodbye, but there is a happiness in knowing that change is coming and I feel a little happier.

I don’t know what the future holds, nor do I know if I will ever let those people back into my life again, but I do know that I can’t live with a hardened heart any longer.