How To Even…Date a Demon

How To Even…
Oct 17 · 8 min read

(NOTE: October is the month when HALLOWEEN HAPPENS. You can tell because stores are taking down next year’s Christmas displays and putting up the following year’s Valentine’s Day displays, just like Capitalism intended.

Of course, Big Distraction has gotten so good that we can’t remember what happened last week, and have no idea what’s supposed to happen a week from now. Some people call this neurological damage, and others call it Livin’ The Dream. Either way, we, the authors of this blog, are here to help. You see, we’re a lot like elephants: we never use deodorant, we never hold in our farts, and we never forget.

So, every Thursday in the month of Octember (whatever), we’ll be posting an informative and factual blog post covering a vital Halloween-related topic. This way, you won’t be caught by surprise when people show up at your door and demand treats, on October 31st. Or October Threedee-onesie.)

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Now we return to our regularly scheduled program: How To Even…Date a Demon, already in progress.

You’ve tried all the dating apps and found them to be lacking. You’ve joined MeetUp groups, taken up hobbies to meet people, had a lot of dates and not much success. You even tried going to church, but that was just creepy. And then they asked you for money. You’re beginning to think there’s no hope for you, romantically.

The problem is that you haven’t been looking in the right place for love. You suspected this, but you didn’t know where else to look. Let’s think about what you want — what you really want — out of a partner. Strip away the societal conditioning and see what’s left. You want someone who will make your boring ass life fun; someone who knows how to have a good time. Someone loyal so you don’t have a bunch of drama. Someone warm, with a detectable heartbeat. But where to find all these qualities?

Have you considered hell? Think about it. Most people go to hell. Really. Look at the Bible, or the religious text of your choice. There’s all kinds of stuff in there you’re not supposed to do. When was the last time you sacrificed a lamb and smeared its blood on yourdoor? Nowadays, you’d get arrested. And we’re not being Bible-centric here. We’re not here to play favorites. The thing is: all the religions of the world are the word of God/s. That’s kind of the whole point. So, if one is true, they’ve all got to be true. Nothing else makes sense. Maybe you’re a devout Christian, but are you also a devout Muslim? Or Rastafarian? Wiccan? If not, you’re violating some of God’s principles, so off to hell you go. Even if your particular brand of Sunday doesn’t have a hell. There are enough contradictions — and it’s clear that God doesn’t give a hoot about contradictions — among religions to guarantee that you’re screwed.

On top of this, you’re not supposed to get into heaven; heaven is for the 1%. Think about it. Streets paved with gold — that, alone, should tell you. No one who’s ever had to work for a living wants that. The upkeep, alone… You can bet the toilets are gold-plated, also. Folks sitting around, playing harps. Nary a mention of football or beer pong. Why, we’re definitely going to hell for writing this poorly-(read: not at all)-researched article (we mostly based it on TV and this dream CL had.) Heaven is a pretty exclusive club, is what we’re saying, and that’s by design. So, welcome to hell. We hope you enjoy your stay. We saved you a seat. Time to fill your social calendar.

(Note: If you’re thinking our theology here isn’t sound, and maybe even a little, ah, blasphemous, a word of caution before you start in on a big refutation or exorcism or something that no one really wants to read: it’s just a dumb joke.)

Anyway, just because you’re in hell, doesn’t mean everyone’s automatically a demon. Sure, there are the fallen angel types, but they’re lording it up at the demonic country clubs. Most of hell’s denizens do clerical work or maintenance. It’s only the rare human soul who rises to the ranks of demon. That means they’re career-oriented go-getters. And that’s the type of person you should be looking to have a relationship with — not some ‘sit on the burning couch’ type. You want someone with ambition and drive. Someone who’s going to be willing to do the hard work that relationships require.

Attracting a Demon

Demons don’t want to be in hell. No one does. It’s hell. They’d much rather be back on Earth with air-conditioning and strudel. There are tons of ways of attracting certain kinds of demons, the “sell-your-soul” kind. But that’s not exactly what you want — not without dinner and dancing first. You might have to go to several crossroads until you find a demon you really click with. But don’t give up hope. Rome wasn’t cursed to eternal damnation in a day. Or something. Sorry, our comparative analogy guy is out this week.

Anyway, the point is that demons are looking for a way out of hell, and the only way out is with a little help from you. Think of it like a mail order bride, except, instead of coming from Russia, they’re coming from hell. Pretty much all of the same dangers apply. A demon may drug you, remove your kidneys, and leave you in a bathtub full of ice, but to them, that’s basically foreplay. So, some vetting is necessary. Sure, you can’t really trust anything they say, but can you trust anything anyone says? Isn’t all perception an illusion, anyway? And these demons are really hot. Literally.

Pros of Dating a Demon

  • Warm. Practically flaming hot.
  • Loyal. Once you sign a contract, demons will stick with you till the horrible, bloody end.
  • Fun. How do you think they ended up in hell? Having fun, that’s how. And now that they’re free, they’re ready to get back out there.

Cons of Dating a Demon

  • Literally nothing comes to mind.

So, you’ve got to put yourself out — we mean down — there. Probably the easiest way is to make a profile on a demonic dating site, like DemonMatch.com or Plenty of Demonfish (podf.com). Be sure to specify that you’re looking for a relationship — not selling your soul. (Be careful to avoid language like “soul mates.” That can easily be misconstrued.) Also, be sure to use a current photo. Demons can sense lying.

What To Expect

Demons were mostly once people, so even though they may be just as terrible as people, they’re terrible in many different ways, just like people. For example, some demons are manipulative whereas others are shallow. Some are looking for someone to mother them whereas others will immediately send dick pics as soon as you show the slightest bit of interest in them. So, just like people. Look, we never said anything was perfect. But at least, in this situation, you know what you’re getting. You’re not going to be surprised when a demon turns out to be evil, whereas you keep falling for it with living humans. Sucker.

After you’ve dated a demon a few times, you may be thinking it’s time to try for a “relationship” with it. But be warned. Most relationships go through a predictable life cycle, starting with love, and progressing through affection, tolerance, annoyance, dislike, and ending with incendiary hatred. It’s the same with demons, except they show their emotions very differently.

First, demons have talons. When a demon is into you, it’s going to claw you till you bleed. On the other hand, when a demon is fed up with you and wants out, it’s going to claw you till you bleed. For some of our readers, this all sounds like a win-win. Also, demons have wings, so ceiling sex is a possibility. We’re just saying. The big thing is that demons are used to being in an environment where they’re surrounded by evil, constantly in danger of being taken advantage of, manipulated, and tortured. It’s a lot like the corporate world, tbh. But demons are just — sorry, WERE just people. Communication is the key. They want things — like air conditioning and strudel — and you want things — like some distraction from the crushing loneliness of your pathetic life. You can both be happy, or at least less miserable, if you keep those lines of communication open.

We’ve mentioned above that a demon might try to steal your soul, so in that sense, it’s just like anyone else you’ve dated. They might also try to trick you into some diabolical situation, like meeting their parents or going to some interminable cultural event. If you don’t want to go, they start crying and saying you hate their parents, which is true but beside the point. The whole thing will devolve into a big fight and you’ll wonder what the hell you’re doing. But then you’ll remember: you’re not dying alone, is what you’re doing. Eventually, they’re going to settle into the sweatpants-on-the-couch, binge-watching Golden Girls reruns just like anybody else. Which is what you actually wanted all along. Sucker.

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The truth is, dating is already hellish, so why not crank it up a notch? One major downside of dating demons is that, once you die, you’ll probably have to see your ex/s again for all eternity. It is hell, after all. But hell is a big place. Maybe you can transfer somewhere where no one knows what a loser you truly are. Like Des Moines. Regardless, the important thing to remember about all this is that no one will ever love, value, and respect you as much as we, your humorous blog creators do. Hey, we think you’re tops. If you want to consider yourself in a serious relationship with How To Even, that would be fine with us. It will be a completely one-sided, ultimately humiliating relationship, but you’re used to that by now. And we’re definitely going to cheat on you with anyone who will read us. But know that we’ll be thinking of how much we’d rather be watching TV while we do it. And eating strudel.

How To Even…

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The only blog you’ll ever need. By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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