How To Even…Deal with Vampires

How To Even…
Oct 31 · 12 min read

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

(NOTE: October is the month when HALLOWEEN HAPPENS. You can tell because stores are taking down next year’s Christmas displays and putting up the following year’s Valentine’s Day displays, just like Capitalism intended.

Of course, Big Distraction has gotten so good that we can’t remember what happened last week, and have no idea what’s supposed to happen a week from now. Some people call this neurological damage, and others call it Livin’ The Dream. Either way, we, the authors of this blog, are here to help. You see, we’re a lot like elephants: we never use deodorant, we never hold in our farts, and we never forget.

So, every Thursday in the month of Octember (whatever), we’ll be posting an informative and factual blog post covering a vital Halloween-related topic. This way, you won’t be caught by surprise when people show up at your door and demand treats, on October 31st. Or October Threedee-onesie.)

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Now we return to our regularly scheduled program: How To Even…Deal with Vampires, already in progress.

The number one most urgent problem in America today is, of course, finding a comfortable pair of shoes that are also stylish and will go with a number of outfits. Not even Trucker Carlsun can save us from the apocalyptic consequences of the comfortable shoe apocalypse. On the other hand, the second most pressing crisis facing America is vampires, and we can do something about that.

The stereotype of a vampire is an evil, immortal being without a soul who will drain you of every drop of your blood to satisfy its unnatural cravings. This stereotype is completely accurate as far as it goes, but it’s not enough to distinguish between vampires and other inhuman monsters. How do you tell if you’re dealing with a vampire rather than a student loan organization, a timeshare salesperson, a TV/internet cable service provider, or some other ghoulish creature?

Typical Vampire Characteristics

  • Avoids sunlight. Vampires avoid sunlight not because it will fry them up like a breaded chicken thigh, but because wrinkles. Nothing ages skin more rapidly than exposure to sunlight. Being immortal, if vampires walked around during the day, they’d eventually have skin as puckered as a raisin. A vampire that looks like an old shar pei is not getting invited to a lot of parties.
  • Hypnotic eyes. Tradition has it that a vampire can bend you to its will just by zapping you with a glance from its 100 watt peepers. If this were true, vampires would have long ago succeeded in subjugating the entire race, putting us on big farms, and installing spigots in our necks. The fact is that vampires are incredibly near sighted, usually because they spend so much time reading in the dark that they’ve damaged their eyes. They look like they’re trying to hypnotize you, but all they’re really doing is trying to bring you into focus, because you look like a lump of blurry fuzz otherwise. Vampires are vain, so they won’t wear glasses, and contact lenses irritate their undead eyes. But you can still identify a vampire by how it’s looking at you; it will probably try and guess who you are to know whether it has tried to eat you before. Or, it might be your elderly neighbor who secretly calls the police every time a young person walks by their house. (“Young” meaning anyone under 60.)
  • Transforming. There’s a myth that vampires can transform into other things like bats. It certainly can appear that they’ve done this, but mostly it’s accomplished with stage lighting and some very slimming capes used to emulate wings. The fact is, if a vampire person were to transform into a bat, it would have to be a very large bat, or a large group of bats. The origin of this myth comes from a rare species of Transylvanian bats that operate as a collective, due to a cultural revocation of Capitalism. To the outsider, the bats seemingly operate as a single symbiotic being, moving in the same ways, eating the same things, attending the same movie premieres, etc., all by unspoken consensus. They’ve even been known to mimic the human form in order to get a better seat at Olive Garden (unlimited bread sticks, y’all). Someone simply observed this and thought they looked like a vampire, probably because these bats also live off the blood of the innocent. How they determine innocence is unknown, since all the chiropterologists (bat scientists) who’ve gone to study them have ended up experiencing a sexual awakening leading to them running off to Berlin to party. Except Carl, who was never innocent. But also wasn’t a very good scientist, so.

Phenotypes

The first mistake people make in Vampire 101 is assuming that there is only one type of vampire. You’d think all the conflicting stories and descriptions about vampires over the years would raise some questions. But when it comes to vampires, most of us don’t do enough critical thinking. There are, in fact, lots of different kinds of vampires, from Anne Rice late 60’s pop idols with lacy cuffs and patchouli-scented coffins, to rat-like nosferatus, unkempt and covered in Cheez Doodle dust. And many types in between.

It’s important to know what type of vampire you’re dealing with. Offering a handshake with a hand you’ve sneezed in is going to send prissy Lestat scurrying away. But that same hand will start an unwashed nosferatu salivating.

Are all vampires human-shaped? No. Almost any animal can become the undead given the right circumstances. This is analogous to the various were-animals that exist: the well known werewolf, and the more obscure werecapybaras, werepenguins, and werekoalas (cute but deadly). Who can forget the 1971 plague of cowferatus that decimated Prague? Luckily, having to chew their unholy cuds left them vulnerable to an intrepid band of vampire killing milkmaids. And were their stakes rare! A-hem. But that’s a story for another day.

There are certain common vampire types, though. We’ve mentioned a couple, but let’s expand on them.

Nosferatus: These are typically the oldest vampires, who’ve lived through so many changes in the world that they are often completely out of touch. You know how your grampa says kind of racist stuff, and everyone gives him a grudging pass because he’s going to die soon and can’t hear you when you lecture him? Nosferatus are like that, but with everything. They are typically hundreds of years old, and if you know anything about history, you can understand how weird the world must be to them. Most of the things we take for granted in our lives aren’t even a hundred years old — things like functioning indoor toilets or a pretense of social equality. Nosferatus may have lived longer than existing countries or even the knowledge that certain continents exist. They’ve most likely seen everyone they know die and turn to dust (possibly at their hands…or claws). What we’re saying is they’re usually a real drag at parties.

Lestats/Glitter Vamps: This has become what most people imagine when they think of vampires. Some of you may be inclined to separate the Lestats from the Glitter Vamps, but there’s not actually that much difference. Glitter Vamps will go out in indirect sunlight, whereas Lestats are much more aware of how vulnerable their skin is to wrinkling, as we discussed above. Lestats tend to be older and therefore dress a little more extravagantly, matching the fashions of times they’re more familiar with, but glitter vamps are just as obsessed with fashion; it’s just a more modern style. If you’re asking yourself why someone who basically lives forever would care about fashion, we don’t have the answer to that. Perhaps it’s their way of trying to reconnect with some lost sense of humanity. Or maybe they have too much time on their…claws.

Bunnicula: The most beloved of all vampires, the Bunnicula mostly hunts carrots. The Bunnicula is a type of animal-vampire, like the goatpire or chupacabra, and as such tends to follow the behavioral patterns of its original form. Humans have little to fear from Bunniculas, unless those humans tend to be orange.

Mullos: A mullo is a Romany vampire that seeks out people it did not like in life and harasses them. This seems pretty mild compared to being down a couple of quarts of blood after meeting your ordinary bloodsucker. But the thing is, you’re only drained of all your blood once, then you’re dead, or at least nappish. But being harassed by an unclean monster doesn’t have a clear wrap up. Imagine Gyorgy the Mullo saying “That’s what you think” every time you say anything. Or making loud beeping noises anytime you have to move backwards. Or making fax and modem noises whenever you answer your cell phone. And so on. Unfortunately the only way to rid yourself of a mullo is to get an old Romany fortune teller and her grandson, who wears an embroidered vest, to come and cleanse your house by going from room to room and singing “Hotel California” at the top of their lungs in Romany. It’s expensive (because of the Don Henley royalties involved), but it’s worth it. Mullos can be recognized by their former stints as Saturday Night Live cast members who transitioned to unsuccessful movie careers.

Vampirinas: Vampirinas are female vampires, but not all female vampires are vampirinas. The difference is that vampirinas are really into a 50s aesthetic, with the big hair and loud cars. They listen to a lot of rockabilly and wear jeans with rolled up cuffs. They chew gum. They pop their gum. They stick their used gum under tables at diners. They can also be identified by their unique patois, such as “Cool it, Pops!” “Let’s agitate some gravel” “Put an egg in your shoe and beat it!” or “That razzes my berries.” Other vampires tend to shun vampirinas because they’re, well, insufferable, but vampirinas are unfazed by this and consider other vampires to be “L-7s.”

Vampire Council Members: Vampires are ruled by a council of mostly older, white, male vampires. In fact, female vampires only got the right to vote a century ago. Of course, votes don’t matter because all important vampire decisions are made by the council. The only way to join the council is to kill a sitting member or bribe Jimmy, who does the meeting invites, to put you on the list. Council members are notoriously difficult to kill. There are legends of all sorts of life-preserving techniques they’ve used, such as removing their hearts and keeping them in a lead box that’s been dropped into the Marianas Trench, or just being super likable, gracious hosts that throw amazing parties. On a side note, council members can be identified by the smell of bactine and the fact that they tend to wear curtains.

How Do You Become A Vampire?

Through hard-work, determination, saving, and smart investments. Vampires are very selective about who joins their ranks, except when they’re not. They’ve existed for a heckin long time, which means all kinds of stuff has gone down. Basically, vampires are created by a transferal of vampire blood into a non-vampire. This can happen any number of ways, sometimes intentionally, and sometimes not.

Something gullible people have done for centuries is act as a vampire’s agent on Earth. These people are called Familiars. Familiars aren’t technically vampires, though they may mimic vampire behavior. They’re humans who work closely with vampires in hopes of being turned into one someday. Think of them like a “Tech start-up offering shares instead of pay.” They might run errands vampires can’t or don’t want to do, like picking up dry cleaning, cleaning a litter box, or returning stuff to Target. Many familiars even let themselves be fed upon. Familiars do this stuff because the vampire promises to turn them into vampires. This will never happen. It’s like this. Vampires live forever. Do you think they want to see their errand boy hanging around for eternity? Not likely. They’re already getting what they want from the relationship. As vampires are wont to say, “Why make the cow immortal when you get the blood for free.”

Many vampires create other vampires to have someone to listen to them tell stories about how different things were when they were young. These younger vampires often rise up and murder their elder mentors. You think your grandfather has a lot of stories about the old days, imagine if he were 1000 years old.

Fending Them Off

There are a number of traditional prophylactics used to ward off the hungry vampire. Let’s take a look at them, with some updates.

  • Crucifix. The effectiveness of the crucifix in chasing away Louie the Vampire has nothing to do with religion or god. Here’s what really happens: when you hold up the cross, it starts the vampire wondering why bilateral symmetry is almost universal in the animal kingdom. The vampire becomes distracted and wanders away, forgetting about ripping into your jugular and gulping down your hot, steaming blood. However, advances in molecular biology and the functions of DNA have made this question pretty much moot. The most a vampire will do now is criticize the aesthetics of whatever kind of crucifix you’re holding up, and perhaps lecture you on your parochial assumptions about religious symbolism between slurps at your neck.
  • On the other hand, much like most of us, when a vampire sees a crucifix, they become concerned that the person waving it around is going to start proselytizing, and will make an excuse to leave the area quickly before things get tedious. Next thing, they’ll be asking for a donation…which could be an effective deterrent to vampires except you’re just as likely to encounter one of those “Well, actually” types who wants to debate theology with you, which no one wants to do.
  • Garlic. Vampires used to avoid garlic because it was what peasants ate back in the day. Peasant blood was considered “low octane,” something that would do in a pinch, but much less preferred than that of a rich, buxom matron, or some wealthy, inbred dude who collected hats and rode his servants around like ponies. In short, vampires are snobs. Since then, garlic has become as classy as a mug, and can be found in every 5-star bistro in the world. Consequently, vampires are now totally down with garlic, and a necklace of it is going to be just that much amuse bouche to Varney. On the other hand, vampires are now known to be put off by Hamburger Helper and instant ramen, so the authors (and let’s be honest, most of our readers) of this blog are safe for now. Phee-yew.
  • Holy Water. There are two primary reasons vampires once avoided holy water. The first is one of the same reasons they avoided crucifixes — boredom. Someone who carries holy water around is definitely about to start asking whether you’ve welcomed Jesus into your heart. The second reason is that certain vampires (Lestat/Glitter Vamps especially) tend to rock expensive hairdos, and water would just ruin that shit. That bouffant you’re admiring clearly isn’t real. So, vampires avoid holy water (really, just water) because it might mess up their hair. Nowadays, the natural look is more en vogue, so it’s less of a big deal, though if you break out some holy water, the vampires might suddenly remember an appointment they’re late for, which is a pretty effective deterrent.

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In today’s turbulent times, it can be difficult to know just what is socially acceptable. Sure, vampires want to drink our blood and probably kill us in the process, but isn’t that just them expressing themselves? If we limit their right to free speech, what’s next? Taking guns away from white nationalists? No longer letting drug manufacturers jack up the costs of life-saving medicines purely for greed? The most important things in America are hypothetical freedoms, and sure, maybe those hypothetical freedoms impinge on and actually prevent real freedoms, like the freedom to be alive, but we can’t jump on every cultural bandwagon that comes along just because it has shiny wheels, so to speak. That way lies socialism. Or something that calls itself socialism but is actually just a military state, as opposed to those handful of social democracies where people are happy and actually free and their children aren’t being gunned down at school or Walmart and all that libtard propaganda. But let’s not get sidetracked. Vampires are expressing their personal freedoms by eating us, and it would be un-American to try to stifle them. So suck it up…or, I guess they’ll suck it up. And you’ll die. But you’ll die for freedom. (Theirs, not yours.) So. Uh, good job, we guess.

How To Even…

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The only blog you’ll ever need. By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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