How To Even…Have a Loser Thanksgiving

How To Even…
Nov 21 · 8 min read

By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

So, things haven’t worked out as well as you’d hoped. Sure, they were going great for about fifteen minutes — maybe you had a nice job, a nice relationship, a nice pie, whatever you consider success — then your life caught on fire and collapsed, and you’re left in what scientists refer to as “Losertown, population: you.” Sure, you’ve visited the dreary shores of Losertown before, that one time in college, but this time, you’re buying a house, setting up shop, putting up your shingle. You’re a local. Here’s your plaid shirt and Case IH hat.

It might seem like living in Losertown is bad enough, what with the kid charging other kids a nickel to stare at you through the window, but then the bastards start throwing holidays at you. Some of them are survivable. On Halloween you can dress up at work, give out candy to local drug dealers, go on a murder spree — however you celebrate. On Arbor day, you can fuck a tree, or whatever it is people do on Arbor day. Most other holidays, honestly, you just get drunk. But then come the big two. The Holiday Season (pause for ominous music.) You know that Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa will be a bleak fuckfest since they tend to focus on family togetherness and the pizza delivery guy won’t even take your calls anymore, but you can prepare accordingly (i.e. get drunk). But Thanksgiving can sneak up on a person. Suddenly, you’ve got a day off with nothing to do but meditate on the dumb decisions you’ve made that led you to this point. But don’t lose the last shred of hope you’ve been white knuckle griping to save you from dropping into the void of despair below. We, at How To Even…Productions are here to offer some advice and relief to help you get through the enfuckening.

Pity Parties

The thing about Thanksgiving is that it’s one of the few times when people take stock and think about what horrid (but well-dressed!) pieces of shit we’ve been all year. It’s our last ditch effort to turn things around so we can convince ourselves we’re not who we totally know we are. Also, you don’t want to end up on Santa’s naughty list. This manifests as people inviting strays into their homes so everyone can be uncomfortable together.

If you get invited to a pity party, you have a difficult decision to make. Do you stay home and be miserable or go to somebody’s else’s house to be patronized but probably get pie. The main thing to consider, here, is what kind of pie. Pecan? Acceptable. Some kind of warm fruit or berry pie with vanilla ice cream? Absolutely acceptable. Some bullshit like pumpkin pie? Only — and we can’t stress this enough — if it’s one of at least three different kinds of pie.

Pity parties are an opportunity either for redemption or full-blown bridge burning. Again, it’s up to you how you celebrate the season. Maybe this is a good opportunity to case the joint. While everyone else is distracted by Carol and John’s new baby, you can go through the medicine cabinets, jewelry drawer, and look for hidden sex toys. We’re not saying you should do this, but try looking under the clothes in the top drawer of their dresser.

Just be sure not to clank too much on your way out.

Make Your Own Thanksgiving Traditions i.e. Give In to the Gluttony

The thing about Thanksgiving is that people cook a bunch of food, much of it stuff they never cook any other time of year because it’s a pain in the ass. If you’re spending the holidays alone, you probably don’t want to spatchcock a turkey, which you’ll then be eating for the next year until you do it again. Also, if you’re a tax-paying resident of Losertown, you probably don’t know how to cook. But that’s okay. You can buy a Thanksgiving dinner from the store. Or you can eat an entire box of cereal. It’s up to you.

You know that day-after-Halloween-mark-down candy you’ve been rationing? Time to eat it all. In one sitting. You know all those boxes of brownie mix and cake mix and cocaine you’ve been meaning to cook? Cook it. All of it. And then eat it. Or skip the middle man and don’t cook it, just eat it straight out of the box. If your stomach complains, that must mean it’s in it with the Turkey People. Fuck the class traitor. Keep eating.

Or maybe gluttony isn’t your vice. Whatever it is, do the hell out of it. The important thing is that, tomorrow or Monday, when people ask you how your holiday was, you can take that slightly anxious expression they’re wearing and explode it into full-blown horror as they listen to the tale of your Godforsaken exploits — or lack thereof. Or you can just say, “It was nice. How was yours?” so they can talk about whatever bullshit, which is all they wanted, anyway.

Do Something for Other People

Being alone on Thanksgiving can be a drag, what with the meditating on your own failures and the ghost of that Victorian child in your hallway who sneaks into your bedroom to mock you every night (“Please, sir, you’re a twat”). A good way to get around this feeling is to spend some time with people who have it worse off than you. Like throwing your own pity party. But let’s be honest, nobody would show up to your pity party. But there are alternatives. You can volunteer, for example, in a soup kitchen. The upside to this is that you’ll be doing something worthwhile for once. The downside is that the sense of smug, moral superiority you had going into this is soon going to be dashed once you start to realize you’re a way bigger loser than these folks, who just happen to be struggling. But that probably builds character for you, or something, so don’t sweat it. (Honestly, meeting you will make them feel better about themselves. So, well done.)

But this is all small potatoes — which are delicious, don’t get us wrong. Especially the little purple ones. But you don’t want to settle for small potatoes when you can have federal offense potatoes. Maybe we’ve been looking at this thing all wrong. Maybe you’re not the loser; maybe it’s all these other sheeple clinging to their weak desires to be part of something, to have someone to care if they died instead of the neighbors finding their corpse a week later (3 days if it’s summer). Pa-thetic. Maybe it’s up to you to do them the favor of freeing them from these delusions and allowing the true beast of self-reliance to spring to life within them. You’re not sure, but you’ve had a bunch of speed and it sounds like a fucking good idea.

But how to accomplish this? It’s really up to you. Follow your own bliss. We have a few suggestions, though:

-strip naked, paint “Free Your Anus” across your chest, and streak the Superbowl.

Actually, we’re good with just that one. Do that.

Hank the Happy Turkey

We’ve covered several alternative Thanksgiving experiences, but there is one inescapable Thanksgiving constant: Hank the Happy Turkey. If you’re wondering what the hell we’re talking about, it’s probably because Hank the Happy Turkey is more of a regional thing, like how people in one place will say sodey water and people in another place will say smack. Hank the Happy Turkey is a mythical being who descends upon one house each year, on Thanksgiving night. If Hank finds your house appropriately sincere, he will viciously murder everyone inside. It is in this way that we ensure that the sun will continue to rise and that, come spring, the crops will be bountiful. We honor the fallen by exchanging fruit cakes on the winter solstice. (Not a lot of people know that fruitcakes used to be made out of dead people, unless you’ve ever eaten one, and then you totally knew that.)

How To Avoid Hank (i.e. sic him on someone else)

Maybe you’re not a civic-duty-minded person, and you want to ensure that Hank passes over your house. Hank, like most turkeys, is attracted to Cheez Doodles and the taste of human flesh. That means you’re going to need a corpse. We know you swore this Thanksgiving would be different, but you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do. Long-time readers of the How To Even…blog should already know how to acquire a corpse, so we’ll skip over that. We’re also not going to go into a graphic explanation of how to arrange the corpse/s and Cheez Doodles, but our advice is to have fun and great creative. Hank will be drawn to the corpse and totally binge on the Cheez Doodles. Once he’s sated, feel free to invite him to watch the game with you. Just don’t, you know, run out of snacks…While you’ve got his attention, this is a great time to casually mention the neighbor who’s always partying late on weeknights or your boss or whoever you think could benefit from a good eatin’.

***

Though it was founded on lies and genocide, Thanksgiving is a time for loved ones to come together and eat too much then yell at a TV…and each other. The important thing is — like so much of life — just to GET THROUGH IT, whether that be crying alone all day or dealing with your relatives and then crying alone later. You’ve only got about a month until Xmas. You’ve got to conserve your strength/liver. Then there’s New Year’s. And Valentine’s Day. And…you know what? Let’s just focus on today. Right now.

How To Even…

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The only blog you’ll ever need. By Michael Gushue & CL Bledsoe

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