This is what entering the final stretch of my twenties feels like

I’m 28 years old, the year that Buzzfeed has described as the best year of your twenties and I couldn’t be more confused or lost about my future now than I was when I was on the cusp of turning 20.

Later this year, I’ll be 29. And I’ll likely be exiting my twenties the same way I started them: by chasing “it.”

What is “it,” you may ask? You probably already know what I’m talking about. It is the elusive slip of a thought that there is something out there that is going to fulfill me, a person made up of scattered puzzle pieces attempting to form the picture of who I am. I am very good at puzzles ordinarily, except when they add up to the image of myself. That is something that still does not fit together. I don’t have all of the pieces. Does anyone?

I continue to chase it. Over the years, I have had moments where there have been things that I thought would fulfill me. Clothes, men, jobs. But it never ended on a high note. The clothes eventually became outdated, the men weren’t as invested as I was, and the jobs were like a game of pretending the living room floor was hot lava that you had to hop around from stepping stone (i.e. the couch) to stepping stone as a kid. I write and that fulfills me, but I can never do enough of it on my own terms.

Maybe what I’m chasing, it, is something I already know the answer to.

This is the scariest thing in the world to me. I have started over with my life so many times it’s like a second nature to me. There’s no more fear in hitting rock bottom because I know I will cut my hair and walk forward no matter what happens. A forward motion doesn’t allow for nostalgia, for missing the moment. It is the moment and you are in it. If I already know the answer, then what am I doing now? The left side of my brain says I am simply using the time as wisely as possible to build up my expertise. The right side of my brain is already at the airport, waving to me on the other side of the terminal.

You don’t have much time.

Nobody does.

Why can’t you let it all go and leave.

Drop everything, put one foot in front of the other, and join me here.

Chasing it in my twenties. Maybe my “it” is the moment and I’m chasing it before it can even begin.