Don’t Mind Me- Just a rant
I am broken. I am sullied. I am weak.
I am ashamed. I am sad. I am confused.
I am not strong. I am not enough. I am no good.
I am hurt. But I have no right to be.
It is a bad day. Obviously. I have cried probably four different times. I almost threw up during one of them. I have cried, tried to focus on my work, gotten some done and somehow managed to stay (semi)sane at the end of the day.
I was caught off guard almost every time I would relax and I would push away, but shouldn’t I have done more? I should have done more.
At the end of the day, I am tipsy, happy and cold. I am walking back in freezing wind, my two best friends’ arms wrapped tight around me making me feel warm inside (stupid contact). I snuggle into a warm blanket and start to come down more while keeping an eye on my sick friend. I leave the room, thinking it will be okay but it isn’t.
In my rushed mind, I don’t think. I just do. It happens too fast. It takes me a minute, but soon I am thinking no no no no and I am saying it too and I am pushing him off and he keeps trying, saying random things while trying to hold me close. I slip off the bed but he pushes me against my desk and he’s saying it’s fine it’s okay and I don’t want it. It took a while. Longer than it should have to get him off.
I hated myself more. I felt gross in my own skin. I felt dirty. And worse of all I had to climb a set of stairs, still slightly impaired and sit with my best friends, knowing their disappointment would burn me to the core.
I sat there, sad and neatly falling down back into my right mind. I sat with my friend and made a cold compress for him, while thinking about how much I fucked up. I wanted my friend to open his arms, one of the few I trust with everything I have, and hold me and tell me that it was okay and that I wasn’t an awful person.
I wanted to hide in shame, and at the same time I wanted the reinforcement of the love of my friends. I wanted to know that even though I disappointed my friends, they would still have my back. I wanted to get away and focus on me and not have to be constantly in tears with every interaction I had.
I wanted to go back to the fun, happy light mindset we were in, happy to go to a party and happy to be together. Happy to just be around each other and just having a good time. I still want to go back.
I will repent. I will do what I have always done.
I don’t do it in bad ways, in my head. I push myself. I tell myself it’s okay to be hurt, just for a while. It’s easy now, sometimes I don’t even have to go to the gym to do it. I just stay away. I don’t hang out. I isolate myself and that is going to be my punishment.
I am going to stay away and know that I will go back eventually, when I have repented. I am going to work on myself, trying to change my feelings about my actions. I am going to get back to where I was, motivated and loving myself.
It can’t be right now. I hate myself right now. I am hurt and in pain and not ready to have people look at me with love when I feel like I ruined everything. I am down a hole and I know I will get out, I always do but I just need to be in this hole. I need to know that I am unclean and not worthy. And then I will climb out. I will use my rope and get out of this hole and do better with my life. I will stay true to me, and I will try my damnedest to not disappoint the people whose opinions I hold higher than anybody else.