It’s for the best
Looking back, I held it together very well. I kept using a napkin to wipe my nose and I kept looking out the window at the swirling snow.
“I don’t know” kept circling around our conversation. What do you want? I don’t know. What are you feeling? I don’t know. Do you want to break up? I don’t know.
Faced with a life decision that affected so many around me, I hated having that conversation. I knew it was for the best, for the both of us. I knew it was inevitable, but I was still scared and still uneasy. I was frail and tired and burnt out, completely terrified but stoic at the same time. Looking back, it was a mixture of hot mess and completely fine.
To compare it to the heartbreaks I have had in my life, it wasn’t even that bad.
There was one boy in middle school who knew I liked him, even danced with me at one dance but then I found out it was out of pity. Ouch.
There was the first “boyfriend” in 7th grade, where we “dated” for, like, five months and then he heard one girl was newly single and told everyone he was going to break up with me before he actually did. (Side note, this also happened because of massive peer pressure because 7th grade me was even worse than college me, believe it or not).
There was the break up that wrecked me, because I had to leave my best friend of four years for something stupid and reckless, and I had to live with that decision. I cried for days because of this decision, where I was down a deep, dark hole and couldn’t find my way out.
And then there was the one that happened in the middle of the dining hall on a snowy Thursday, right before my Psych test. I held in my trembling lip and only wiped my eyes once. I watched him tell me good luck on my test and walk away. I took two breathes, and arranged my scarf over my face so nobody would see the tears.
It’s less romantic than it sounds, but he came right back to my dorm to try and win me back but the shoe had already fallen.
Now there’s a funny feeling in my stomach and hurt in my heart but it was for the best.