This is so crucial, and so complicated to know how to handle in practice — when can you ask someone to step the fuck up? I default to respecting boundaries, but there are instances with certain folks where my gut says what is happening is avoiding work because it’s hard, not setting necessary boundaries.
I also know the sense of pulling whatever I can to give someone really in need, and exhausting myself, and I want to set a limit but there is a very real reality that NO ONE else will step up and help. I generally know where my lines are and I know they matter, but sometimes the consequence of exhausting myself is less bad than the consequence of someone I care about having no one when they are really in need. I wish I didn’t have to choose harming myself to help them avoid worse harm — I imagine existing in real community means someone else can step up at those times. In the meantime, the best I can do is some kind of utilitarian harm reduction.
