…and speaking of homeland security, if you can’t be secure from small stylish vehicles hurtling towards you from thin air, you are simply not secure at all. At first glance, the low-key headline “Mini Cooper Mysteriously Lands On Rocks Off Yerba Buena Island,” may seem to be innocent, but if we isolate the salient element in this headline (“Mysteriously”) it’s clear that nefarious forces may or may not be at work.

What an original delivery method for terroristic or criminal intent! Was it by coincidence that the “Mini Cooper” (if that’s what it really was) came to earth on the rocks directly adjacent to a Coast Guard Admiral’s house? Was this a crude attempt to intimidate these staunch defenders of the homeland…or simply a pizza delivery gone terribly wrong? Could the area wildlife have been co-opted by dark forces? We are not saying that local birds may have mistaken the small vehicle for a shellfish and taken the correct bird steps to smashing it on the rocks. We do know that seagulls in the San Francisco Bay Area can grow to an unusual size.

There’s no reason to jump to immediate conclusions, but it may be safest to stay indoors for the next several months, and avoid contact with any vehicle that displays the ability to levitate. To those who may say we are “overreacting,” “hearing a zebra’s hooves when it’s only a horse,” or “using too many air quotes,” we have this unanswerable challenge: prove it.

You can be sure that Eagle Eggs will be thoroughly investigating this matter, in the form of reviewing internet stories every couple of days. In the meantime, we recommend the only reasonable course of action, which is to continue to worry and speculate about airborne traffic attacks. And carry a heavily reinforced umbrella.

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