[satire] A Peek at B.O.O.B.S.
Homeland officials today announced a “re-branding” of the previous advisory alert system used to keep Americans abreast of the current national threat level. While the previous system was described as an utter failure, extensive research was performed on the new advisory system. It was discovered that in order to keep the general public involved and aware of the current level, several elements needed to be incorporated in the new system:
1- Bipartisanship- It was important to the large focus group that this system was not seen as a political tool to be wielded at the whim of the party in office
2- Operational- to be relevant, it must have an operational outlook as opposed to the strategic level, as strategy looks beyond a day or two in the future and as such, 87% of the public would be at a disadvantage if asked to do the same.
3- It must look beyond “security”, rather providing the public with a holistic view of the country, including such things as popular culture, Hollywood and sports.
So in an unveiling ceremony to be held in the coming days, the Bipartisan Operational Outlook Beyond Security (B.O.O.B.S) will be released. Politicians far and wide are enamored with the BOOBS and are eagerly anticipating the BOOBS being revealed to the public.
And here at Eagle Eggs, we are not just satisfied with talking about BOOBS, our investigators have searched far and wide to sneak a peek at BOOBS, and we are happy to report that here, for the first time anywhere, you will see BOOBS. As you can see from chart, the researchers have managed to capture all the elements necessary and have taken it a step further, incorporating elements of every day life such that even Joe six-pack who lives on the periphery can relate the warning levels to what he (or she) knows on any given day.
So as is evident by the BOOBS, now it is not just the homeland security professional who is concerned with the security and stability of the country, but all Americans. Officials at several agencies who asked to be kept anonymous as they are not subject matter experts concerning BOOBS have stated they believe that with the unveiling, the country will be talking about BOOBS like never before. There will be discussions regarding BOOBS in drinking establishments, on college campuses, and even, it is believed, is athletic team locker rooms. “Nothing bad can come from talking about BOOBS” said one official. Teasing us with hints regarding celebrity spoke persons, it was confirmed that Kate Upton, Selma Hayak and Katy Perry have expressed interest in promoting and being involved in displaying BOOBS. Still unconfirmed BOOBS supporters include Jack Black, Alec Baldwin and Michael Moore.
So fellow Americans, be on guard and learn the system so that when you are asked, “Have you seen BOOBS today?” you will have a well-informed answer.