[Satire] STOLEN VALOR?
In a strange turn of events, Eagle Eggs has uncovered and is informing the public for the first time that a very well respected and revered member of the homeland security community is being investigated for committing “Stolen Valor”. Incredulous as it might seem, documented images clearly show the violation.
For years, no, decades, we have been charmed by the good-natured, yet branch indeterminable, Captain. But today we are revealing the devastating evidence for all to see and remember, you saw it here first.
As seen here, that loving grandfather like figure millions of children known as the bringer of breakfast, the server of cereal, yes, the CAPTAIN OF CRUNCH, has been perpetrating a lie.
These pictures, as painful as they might be to view, show the smiling and care-free sea faring icon clearly wearing rank not equating to that of a captain, despite outright overtures over the years that he be addressed as such. In the first figure, only 2 stripes equal in width are clearly visible on his sleeve.
In the second picture, and far more damning as he is representing the military in an endorsement, 3 equal width stripes are clearly visible.
In looking at the accompanying naval rank picture, it is easy to see that he should be referred to as Lieutenant Crunch (2 stripes) or at best Commander Crunch (3 stripes), but in no documented evidence can it be shown that he ever attained the rank by which he is addressed. These images and selfish acts reflect poorly on the “Captain” (or Lieutenant or lieutenant Commander, whichever is accurate), his unit, and the indeterminable branch in which he serves.
Officials at this point are looking to avoid a wide sweeping controversy and discussing options implications and options. The primary concern for homeland security officials is that of credentialing of its members. “Can you imaging if this were to go unchecked?” asked one anonymous official, adding “An individual with access to sensitive information or activities, say a Deepwater Horizon recovery effort, simply because he or she says “I’m a Captain” or whatever, let me in? This potential security breech must be addressed before another 9–11 happens!”
Eagle Eggs has reached out to General Mills (at this point one MUST question if Mills has actually attained the rank of General) who at this point has not provided any comment.