My Greatest Fear

What’s yours?

I don’t really think I’m afraid of that much, but I’m seeing now that there’s one thing that absolutely terrifies me. I’m scared to death of being alone.

If you know me, you might laugh. That’s ’cause you would know that I actually enjoy being alone quite a bit. Often, my ideal Friday night is curling up with a good book in a comfy chair in my room, alone. I’m reserved and introverted, I’m not particularly motivated to attend parties and be around lots of people. But that’s not really the kind of loneliness I’m talking about.

The loneliness that I am afraid of is the kind where you’re going to have to do something on your own. I have a book I’ve been meaning to read; it’s called Loneliness: The Worst Kind of Pain. It’s a bold statement, but I think it’s true. They say the worst suffering Jesus experienced was not physical, it was relational. Jesus went to and died on the cross abandoned by his best friends, but worst of all, by his Father, with whom he enjoyed perfect fellowship with from Eternity Past. Imagine the pain wrapped up in, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Mark 15:34)

Yeah, I’m terrified of being alone. I’m afraid of sharing my life with people, knowing that someday, they will step out of my life as easily and graciously as they stepped into it. Even a spouse can never fill that role completely and perfectly. I’m terrified of going out into the world on my own. My stomach twists at the thought of raising support on my own, for months on end, and returning to an empty home. Thinking about making dinner for one as the pattern of my life seems like hell.

But it’s a simple truth. And it’s one that’s so hard to believe and surrender to. People are finite and sinful. No one will ever be able to take away my loneliness, not completely, not perfectly, and certainly not forever.

Jesus is better. At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.

Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the Lord your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.
(Deuteronomy 31:6, ESV)

- Sincerely Broken