Surrender

Why I need God.

Why is it so hard to admit I need help? I guess I can’t complain though; I had prayed consistently at the beginning of the semester that God would deeply humble me (I sensed that I was accumulating arrogance and selfish ambition).

Over the past couple of weeks, I have had to send a couple emails to professors explaining my situation and my need for some time off. I have had to step back from my ministry responsibilities and opportunities, realizing that I don’t have anything to give. I have also had to make appointments with mental-health professionals, asked people to hold onto some items because I am scared I will hurt myself with them, and shared with people that I have had suicidal thoughts. For some reason though, telling people that I am incapable of performing my responsibilities is so much harder than the steps I have had to take to get help for myself.

A few weeks ago, at what may have been the beginning of this journey, I experienced some pretty bad chest pain. It turned out to be nothing serious, perhaps stress-induced. After some much needed rest, I realized that deep down, I believed I could do everything and that the world depended on me. I told a friend that I was trying to be God, and she quipped, “Yeah? I don’t think there are too many job openings for that.” Today, I have been asking myself, do I even know what my limits are? Yeah, you hear about how freshman college kids get blacked-out drunk on opening weekend because they didn’t know their limits…I never thought I would make the same mistake! How long have I been extending myself beyond my limits, getting myself into trouble, setting myself up for failure, simply because I didn’t know what it meant to not be God?

I have a confession to make, so prepare yourself.

I am not God.

Surprised? Didn’t think so…but I was. Have you ever taken a look at some of the attributes of God?

Absolute: God is a unified being, one essence. He is not composed of a variety of substances, nor did he come about about by a number of forces or substances joining together. Me? I am the fruit of my parents loins, I am made of matter and spirit and J-Cru shorts.
Eternal: God was not created; he has neither beginning nor end. As for me, I don’t remember what I ate yesterday for dinner, let alone the day I was born.
Immutable: God is unchanging in His being, perfections, purposes, and promises.
Independent: God does not need me to exist, but I need him to exist.
Infinite: God is not subject to any of the limitations than constrain humanity or creation. Sometimes I think I don’t need sleep, then I start failing exams.
Omniscient: God knows everything, past, present, and future; he knows what will happen and even what “could” happen. Three years after high school, I have forgotten how to do basic math.
Omnipotent: God is all-powerful. He can exercise dominion over the entire universe, carry out the purposes of his wisdom, govern the hearts of people, and even create things out of nothing. I can’t cook anything more complex than an omelet.
Omnipresent: God is present everywhere in the universe and the universe exists within his presence. No one can hide from Him and nothing escapes His notice. Last week, I spent thirty minutes looking for my headphones; they were under my pants.
Omnisapient: God’s wisdom never fails, he never lacks any foresight, and he never guesses. He knows all and plans all. I’ll tell you one thing, I didn’t plan for my senior year of college to begin like this.
Sovereign: God controls all things; nothing happens without His direction or permission. I still can’t get Siri to give me directions to the nearest Walmart.

I have never taken this close of a look before at exactly who God is. In his book Humility, Mahaney says we should do this often in order to accurately understand our human position in the universe. Well, believe it or not, I’m not God. I can’t be, I won’t ever be, and I will never even come close. I’m human, I’m broken, I’m weak, and I’m limited.

It may be freeing to believe. It may be painful to admit. It may be embarrassing to act upon. But it’s true.

Have you admitted this to yourself, today?
Have you admitted this to someone else, today?

- Sincerely Broken.