Parents, what do you know?
Assumptions and judgement will be the death of us all.
I brought happy news about a good grade to my parents. The assignment was handed in late, but I was in luck and the conditions were right. This is what ensued.
My mother began claiming credit for the “terrible scolding” she gave me, that without her “waking up my idea” I probably wouldn’t have prioritized or spent enough time on it. I partially agree, but I didn’t agree for most part.
My dad began went, “I told you 6 months ago to give up teaching vocal lessons, and you didn’t. I know you cannot tahan, but you still went on with it”. Granted, I took this last month off as I was too drained. Yet, he was blaming me for not taking his advice. His sarcasm painted me like a fool.
And for the first time I retorted indignantly,
“You do not understand at all. Do you even empathize with me? Empathy is putting yourself in my shoes and understanding things from where I stand. I don’t care if you understand or empathize, but I did negotiate to drop teaching when you suggested but I couldn’t for various reasons which I won’t even bother explaining to you.”
In that moment, I realised deep-seated anger bubbling to the surface. Rage from not being understood or empathized with. What they imagined was empathy was in fact assumption and judgement — you should have just listened to me from the start, I know better how to lead your life than you do.
Don’t make my socks laugh. How the fuck is that empathy?
Growing up in a predominantly hierarchical, patriarchal Asian culture, I noticed that parents tended to lack certain skills. (Disclaimer: there are rare exceptions, this is not a sweeping statement.)
Empathy
a genuine, non-judgemental understanding of their child as a human being, with values and dreams different from theirs.
Most parents grew up in an environment where they did not receive empathy, or were understood by their own parents. Heck, some were abused physically, emotionally and psychologically. It is thus understandable they too lack empathy toward their children. Upon looking deeper however, I realised much of their resistance to change and insistence on parenting styles derives from a lack of personal healing.
Humans have an incredible ability to cope even with very traumatic experiences. We numb, erase parts of our memories which hurt most. Yet, when parents do not actively seek healing, they remain in that state even as they mature into adults (what we typically see as immature and unimaginable behaviours in adults). The scars they carry from being parented are paid forward, and most mold their children based on their experiences of being a child. Emotional, relational and psychological trauma infect generations like a virus, until some awakened child/parent sobers up with a “I want to live differently”.
When they awake to this idea, the next part is to learn empathy. Yet again, conscious parenting is alien to many parents. Out of fear of “slapping myself in the face”, some parents then choose to stay in safe boundaries, creating mini versions of themselves.
Process-focused mindset
That the journey of life is beyond certificates, shiny medals, distinctions. An attitude to discover, uncover and immerse in the mysteries in life with presence and curiosity.
I’ve never been the sort who values achievement or flashy academic grades. Sure, it feels momentarily orgasmic but rings with emptiness after the high wears off.
Society runs on this sugar high. And because we can’t get enough of it, we buy the story that we need to grow muscular, become richer, have beautiful children or else I’m a failure. Anything that looks un-postable on Instagram had to burn. We grew into Pavlovian extensions, all conditioned to fear the F word. In a bid to curate that flawless life, we lost the capacity to play, to frolick, to explore.
Beyond fun, Stuart Brown expounds the benefits of play (his TED talk) that was long forgotten as our iPhones grew smarter. In a Straits Times article featuring play, it shared research that play was essential in building resilience toward failure. Play is experiential experimentation. Without the limits of wrong/right, even adults can rediscover the nuances in life and choose to discard society’s story of failure.
So parents, before you flame me, take a pause.
Ask yourself: Do I know my child? What do I know and understand about them? What are some things I’m assuming and judging them for? How do I want my relationship with my child to be like in five years?
The world is already brimming with suffering and pain. We don’t need more cloned versions of you.
