A Friend’s Struggle
Skylar Payne
1

Thanks for sharing. And I mean that.

For there is no struggle that a man encounters which is not “common” to mankind and never is it new.

Now with that said I’d like to share.

I’m viewed by most people as an extrovert, easy going, fun, funny, caring, religious, even patient (though I try to explain that what they perceive as that is really more like slow fuse). Some say I am smart and some wise. Some call me their friend.

I see my self as self destructive, a coward, lazy, untrustworthy, low self esteem, suicidal, dangerous, a breaker of all 10 commandments. That’s the short list.

Now what is the truth? All the above, how I see me how others see me?

Answer that about yourself because I don’t know what that answer is for me.

Did I forget to mention I’m a born again believer in Christ Jesus who came to the understanding of my

Need for a savior at around age 23.

So whatssup you might ask. How is it I view myself one way when the Bible tells me I am a son of God.

I will only share here my experience in hopes it may ignite in someone else a new way of viewing one’s self .

When it comes to depression it’s all about the view.

Ok….. after meeting God I wanted to know Him. I mean just like I know my family and friends.

Yes I went to church participated in anything. Studied the Bible. Learned the Christianese language, also worshiped in songs and held Bible studies in my home….. none of that was bad, and for me all was necessary but I needed to know God one on one, face to face, hear Him, I believed, but now I wanted for my personal satisfaction to know God knew me! Bible said he was no respecter of persons so if He spoke with Adam, Abraham, and Moses, that was what I wanted.

Without trumpeting to my sphere of the world I besought God for and experience or a word or something outside of human understanding that proved beyond any doubt to ME. That He the perfect Father really loved me the perverted broken one. I fasted and prayed ( when I say prayed I talked just like I’m talking to you. No our Fathers no coined phrases, no hail Mary’s.

For days I went aone where no one could hear me or see me. Spoke to God out loud about everything I’d done. I reminded Him of the things I read in His Bible.

Where was the miracles. His guiding voice. And why didn’t He love me and show it.

I heard no reply day after day. I found myself wrestling with myself in thought. But I did not hear God.

I finally came to the end of my self. I was lying prone on the floor no more tears left, no more words to even speak to God. I was done! Empty, Silent. Might have said something to Him like I’m done but not any more than that. How many days of fasting and seeking I do not know.

But this I do know. That which I’d earnestly sought after happened! By nothing in existence,

A Pure and simple, just for me miracle… A nobody, I was in my eyes. (when I use my eyes still am the lowest of the low ).

He the Creator of all that exists from, molecules to monkeys.

Reached down and hugged me!!!! I was overwhelmed, it was nothing I’d experienced on drugs or alcohol or sex or anything. Waves and waves of what I can only call LOVE….. filled me.

I couldn’t breath, I could not move, I stammered after a length of time I have no clue.

Father stop or I die. And He did.

I to this day wish I had not said that.

OK what does this have to do with depression and or suicide.

Sight. How we see ourselves. I believed God from that day, even when I don’t want to. Even when it appears to be impossible or improbable.

God is truth and all men liars. Is where I stand.

So I believed that I was a Child of the most High God even when my actions appears to others or even to myself not to be.

I am of worth, to some who understands me and loves me and proved it by touching this untouchable creature. By speaking with me and listening to me.

Fast forward 15 yrs. 55 freeway tears running down my face hooked on cocaine hating myself ,

Wanting to end it and telling God so. I sped up the car, suddenly a 16 wheeler Mack truck cuts into my lane forcing me to do some darn fancy driving skills to not become road kill like that Armadillos I use to see flattened along Texas highways.

I heard God say “oh you really wanted to die did you?”. I laughed, I cried I praised God. 6 months later I was in rehab.

If God’s son was willing to die to purchase me

Mr. Hopless. Then I needed to see me as He sees me no matter what my physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual state may be.

Once in a while I have a pity party ( thats what i call depression) they don’t last long.

I don’t help others now out of a since of obligation or to fix myself cause it didn’t work. It was like a dead weight. God told me when I give of myself I should be doing it with joy. And not to prove something or fix me or fix the person I’m helping which may end up being the case.

I do those things to make my Heavenly Father smile. And it makes me smile.

I ain’t perfect, no super saint here folks. Just a plain old Joe sharing my “testimony “ (my Book in God’s Bible) that He can strengthen your weaknesses, free up your mind and emotions from what burdens you and see to it that you have less bouts of depression (or pity parties as I see them).

And when you do as we all seem to. Fall back to the obsession of depression. God will even use you in that to bring Him glory!

Believe your God by having Him show you personally That He is not the God of the by and by, but the Miracle God of the HERE and Now!

Then share your Book in God’s Bible of what He has done for you.

I said I was a coward. God’s says He has given me His spirit and it casts out fear. So I see through God’s eyes I am not a coward. See what God says about how He sees you and see through His eyes.

God said to me though your own mother may forsake you He will never, so if I appear to be alone to the Human eye, I know I am never alone and I am always loved. Though family and friends leave.

No need for suicide, no need for depression. Know God as you know your closest friend. Not just in church or at a bible study or around your Christian friends but alone… one on one!

In Jesus name,

For the Glory of God the Father.

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