TRANSFORMATION: SANDY & ME
I’ve been an ally of the Trans community for quite some time now. I’ve had a blast emceeing and performing at The TEA Show over the years, as well as curating various alternative sex-positive events and interviewing adult entertainment stars on the red carpet. But I wasn’t always this open-minded. And as I began to ponder what to write about for my first piece in a transgender based magazine, I was struck with its one-word namesake: Transformation.
I can remember being a scared, hesitant little girl growing up in a very conservative and predominantly white Anchorage, Alaska. A typical heterosexual-cisgender, caucasian colored and privileged kid who had no idea of the trials and tribulations that other races, genders, and lifestyles were going through. But like every child, I did have big dreams.
I had seen Olivia Newton-John play Sandy in the movie Grease and I was hooked on the idea of being just like her and becoming a big singing star one day. Truly, I thought all it would take to be just like my Icon would be to write Hollywood a letter, which I did. I explained that I was eight years old and that I could “sing and dance good” and that they should give me a try. Back then I felt like I should be just like Sandy. I could relate to that quiet, shy girl, just longing for the perfect boy to whisk her away in a flying convertible. I didn’t really know who I was meant to be then, only that I should be someone that got to perform, but also blended in well and got along with everyone, just as nice little girls should. Never in all those years of fantasizing about a career in the entertainment industry did I think I would go from entertaining millions of tourists singing at Disneyland to helping hundreds of kink-curious clients in a dungeon as a Dominatrix.
But Transformation is a funny thing. You don’t pick it. “It” picks you. The kind of transformation I’m talking about never really happens on purpose. We usually become enlightened by accident. As I said, I always wanted to be that likable Sandra Dee but what took me a long time to discover was that I was going to better benefit humankind by being my true self, which happened to be the exact opposite of that.
Later in life, when I got bit by the kink bug and ventured out to the dungeon parties to try and find my own way, I encountered people that felt I should be their “Queen in Shining Armor.” I was perceived as this larger than life, dominant and kinky Bette Midler with a flogger. I was funny, I was caring, I was curvaceous and outlandishly bold. And every time I would try to be that polite, likable Sandra Dee again, something older, louder, prouder and stronger would come out and choke her back into submission. I slowly began to realize that pretending to be Sandy would lessen my value. She just wasn’t me. Others wore her very well. But her costume just didn’t fit me and it never really did.
Every time I embraced my inner maternal Goddess dressed in masculine power, I felt alive and at peace with my true inner self. The real me that I’d squashed was what everyone already saw on the outside. The Mother Hen with a kinky heart of gold. I finally accepted the necessary Transformation and things finally began to fall into place.
Did my Mom want me to end up becoming a well known BDSM Educator? Haha. Probably not. But I’m here to help eradicate the days of plain black and white ways of viewing these types of identities. Whether you’re kinky, quirky, LGBTQ or the new odd man out (straight;-) I am your ally. And as I blend my own personal musical memoir story on stage alongside the darkly misunderstood therapeutic BDSM world, I find courage from all of you, my neighboring alternative families. My allies in varied Polyamory groups, my treasured BDSM tribes and my newest friends in the Trans communities- they all continue to remind me that we can and must be who we were meant to be. No fear will survive, as we instead find strength and pride from one another as we walk side by side down our individual brave and unique paths.
Sometimes a transformation is an internal decision to finally be ourselves. And sometimes it’s that moment of clarity that turns a previous bigot into a brand new friend.
I’m glad I was born that quiet, conservative little Alaskan girl because she is a part of why I am enlightened enough to learn from the many bright colors I continually see all around me. And while my own history can’t claim to understand everyone’s challenges,
I will do my best to be the best ally I can be.
My inner child is here and ready to be of service.
Yours in Transformation,