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Photo by Jens Behrmann on Unsplash

Project Objectives: Remodel your kitchen, while avoiding exposure to COVID-19 and Trump-talk.

Project Tasks:

New Cabinets, painted in Sherwin Williams Pewter Green
Yes, painted cabinets. Yes, they scuff more easily, and yes, the finish might not last as long. But it will add at least a week to your project timeline, ensuring a kitchen-less, impossible-to-host Thanksgiving.

Why Pewter Green? It’s the color of money, baby… money which you will gladly burn through in order to avoid hosting a 17-person family gathering with relatives who have not socially distanced and who won’t commit to a COVID test. Don’t worry about the…

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Image Copyright: HGTV. (Fair Use.)

Property Brother: We’ve called this Zoom meeting to talk about the changing climate of interior design in light of the recent pandemic. We need to create a unified front to provide solutions for our HGTV audience.

Other Property Brother: We’re fucked. After this thing is over, nobody is going to want us knocking down walls to make one giant kitchen/living/dining room gangbang. Our livelihoods are at stake, people!

Property Brother: Other Property Brother is right. What are you guys hearing? How can we pivot?

(Chip and Joanna Gaines appear on screen, surrounded by their 15 children, 87 barn animals, and…

…and other ways to convince your friends, neighbors, and complete strangers to mind their damn business.

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You’re a childless, married lady in her early thirties and you’ve decided not to drink tonight. Maybe it’s a lifestyle choice, a personal decision, or you’re just nursing a hangover from the night before and need a night off the sauce. Are you looking for some easy tips to keep your “friends” from ruining your life with their questions about your reproductive status? Say no more! Here are some Tips for Women Who Are Tired of Saying, “No I’m Not Pregnant, I’m Just Not Drinking Tonight.”

1) A.B.E.S.O.D.M. (Always Be Eating Sushi Or Deli Meat) Carry a slice of deli…

Katie Hughes-Pucci

Rhode Island-based writer. Words in: McSweeneys, The Belladonna, Slackjaw, The Millions.

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