Growing Pains II: Rambling

In recent months I have felt like I am stuck in a rut. I was recently promoted and the adjustment period took longer than expected, but I’m finally feeling settled in my new work place with my new team. I’m doing pretty well in school, getting good grades, and getting that much closer to transfer. I have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, even though I’ve been a little distant lately they’re always understanding as to why. With that said, one may ask “so what the hell is wrong with this kid?” and to be honest with you I can’t quite answer that question right now. All I know is that I just don’t feel as motivated as I did a year ago or even a few months ago. I recently read an article that really resonated with me. The article went on to say,

“You’re use to always running away from things, but things are generally good now. You haven’t allowed yourself ton run toward something. At some point you have to learn to be inspired by going toward pleasure, not just away from pain. Expand your threshold for pleasure and allow things to be good. Stop sabotaging yourself or creating conditions where you need to escape the pain.”

As I read this for the third time now I realized that I am in this rut because I want to be. My motivation in my life maybe hasn’t always been about me being the best that I could possibly be, but maybe more so me coping with pain or whatever you want to call it with working so hard that I don’t have time to even address those issues. Another reason might be that I am so incredibly impatient with “the process” that I subconsciously put myself in this rut because I want to make myself feel that I am making more progress than I actually am by getting myself out of the rut. This is all speculation, but if thats what I am doing then I am really screwing myself over.

I’m really not too sure what my next move is but I know that I want to make a big change in my life. I had a conversation with a customer recently who happened to be from London, England and lived here in the US now. We had a very long conversation which just so happened to get pretty deep. I asked him what the biggest difference between living here and London was and he said (in his super cool British accent), “In Europe not just in England we work to live and here people live to work.” My mind exploded when he said this because for the past 2–3 years I have been doing very little to enjoy my life and more working than ever before. It doesn’t make me want to stop working or anything, but it definitely made me realize that I need a much more balanced life. I’m a big believer that I need to work hard now that I’m young to set myself up when I’m older, but at the same time I am only young once. I want to do so many things right now in my youth because I would hate to get older and have regrets as to why I didn’t do anything other than work when I was young.

I am not too sure as to what the hell is wrong with me if I’m being honest but it is getting really old. I’m not one to bitch and complain, but getting my thoughts out on to a page allows me to sort through my issues. I know that I have control over the way I feel everyday that I wake up but for whatever reason I’ve slowly been losing that control. I need to force myself to do the things I don’t want to do because those “things” are what are going to help me achieve the things that I want to in my life. I don’t know whats next for me right now and that uncertainty is kind of cool. What I do know though is that I need to make changes, major changes in my life. As always, thanks for listening.