Playing to an Empty Room
‘The secret of getting ahead is getting started.’ — Mark Twain
It was last Sunday morning, 6am. My son was sprawled across the bed, sleeping like the dead, and my husband had rolled in at 3am from shooting a wedding all day on Saturday. I walked the dog and fed the cat, as usual, but instead of my Sunday morning date with the New York Times, I was prepping post it notes, sharpie markers and conversation starters. I stopped at Shoprite for some fruit and arrived to Hudson Table early, my good friend Tatsu from Bwe just pulling up too, with a car full of coffee for me, bleary eyed from (another) sleepless night with his fiery yet adorable 2 year old. We opened the doors, turned on the lights, and woke up Hudson Table with a little Beach House on Pandora. I unlocked the doors and set out the easels with my modestly artful hand-chalked signs, welcoming the world to my ‘Technology & Education Coffee Chat.’
I straighten my breakfast offerings (again) and test out the coffee. Test out some more coffee. Post a pic or two to Instagram — ‘Come on over to the first Human First coffee chat!’. Realize I’ve already had too much coffee. The second space at Hudson Table is hosting a bread making workshop later in the morning. The chef pops over to say hello. We start chatting, and he wants to know everything about Human First. ‘Yeah… totally… yeah!’ he keeps saying as I’m talking. He’s sharing his own experiences of college, culinary, and creating a career.
‘So what time does this thing start?’ he asks.
‘Half an hour ago.’ I reply.
Getting people to show up is hard. Even your most well-meaning friends, family and co-workers. We all mean to show up… we all intend to show up. It might even be something that sounds interesting, on a topic that we really care about. But actually getting out of bed and heading across town for someone else’s ‘thing’ is really hard! I’m as guilty as anyone — do you know how many times I’ve meant to go to some film screening, product beta or cocktail event, and when it just came down to it I thought… ‘Ugh. I’m so tired/antisocial/busy I can’t possibly think of doing that right now. Why does it have to be now? If it were next week I’d totally go.’? More times than I can count, or would like to admit.
Maybe 8:30 on a Sunday is too early? It’s summer… everyone’s probably headed to the beach! Hudson Table is kind of in the back of town. Maybe no one is in the area. This is a standard hospitality industry mind game, played by the best of them. You can think up a hundred reasons why you are not busy on any given night of the week. It’s the big game tonight. Tomorrow’s a holiday. The weather’s bad. The weather’s good. We really don’t like the uncertainty of not knowing why our room is empty. Or worse, we don’t want to consider the possibility that it’s just US. That our ‘thing’ isn’t that interesting, that compelling, or maybe even that important, especially at 8:30am on a Sunday morning in the middle of summer.
Jane McGonigal explains this concept of showing up (or not) as ‘Participation Bandwidth.’ It’s basically your capacity to contribute to one or more ‘participatory networks’. And let’s face it — today we have a MILLION opportunities, requests and urgings to participate in and contribute to equally as many networks.
But just because there’s a clinical definition for it doesn’t mean it’s any easier for me to be sitting in a big empty room with a lot of free coffee.
To be fair, the room wasn’t entirely empty. My best friend showed up, because, well, she’s my best friend, and honestly if there’s a quiet room and free coffee, we both agree that’s a fantastic way to spend a Sunday morning. Also, Chef Drew. He couldn’t stick around, but in the few minutes we spoke we were completely engaged, and made a real connection around why Human First exists. Then, there’s Mitch. Mitch was my brave, solo guest, arriving around 9:30 on his way to meet a friend for tennis. Now, if I consider my awkwardness as the host of an event that no one has shown up to, imagine his awkwardness at being the only guest to walk into said empty room and have to make the choice to act as though he just came in to ask for directions or stay and chat with me and my best friend, managing over the echoes of the empty-room acoustics. But he did stay and chat, and we talked about so many things, from his personal experiences growing up in Russia to how robots are NOT going to take all of our kids’ jobs.
I’ve started up a lot of things in my meandering life path. If there’s one thing you can say about me it’s that I’m a do-er. Starting, getting started, and tackling the first tasks on the list, even the shitty ones no one wants to do, is something I pride myself on. As Gretchen Rubin puts it, I’m an Upholder, through and through. And as many things as I’ve started, they ALL began with an empty room. I’ve practiced not taking it personally, and I don’t wish I’d slept in instead. I set up the room that morning knowing that I’d be lucky to get a handful of people, even with the free coffee. But I set up the room and prepared for a packed house.
Because if you can’t do it for one person, you’ll never do it for a dozen, or a hundred, or a hundred thousand.
It’s a basic tenet of Human First — to see every single person and engage with them directly, intently. To let people know they matter. Another tenet is to be vulnerable, embrace awkwardness, and say ‘Hey, I’m starting something new. I’m going to need some help. Maybe it will suck, and maybe it will be awesome. I need you tell me what’s working for you and why.’
I’m thankful for those who showed up for me last Sunday. Tatsu from Bwe. My best friend, Rebecca. Chef Drew and Mitch. Texts from friends saying they couldn’t make it this time but can’t wait for the next one. People asking how it went when they saw me on Monday. The genuine interest of parents at my school and people on the street. ‘Showing up’ comes in many flavors.
‘Showing up’ comes in many flavors.
So, here’s to playing to a (nearly) empty room as though it were a full house. It was slightly awkward. It was a lot of work to set up, and more time on social media promoting it than I’d like to admit. I’ll be doing it again soon. I know I’m fighting for your ‘Participation Bandwidth.’ That’s okay with me. I’m up for the challenge. You’re worth it.
#humanfirst
Be sure to sign up for my email newsletter if you want to keep in touch!
