Part 3: Round 2. The final countdown.
July 2016
We had anticipated staring our second and final IVF round in May, but we were disappointed that the hospital letter received said to start 21 days after my July period — August. As we thought we’d be starting earlier, we had already held off booking/going on holiday until the end of August/September, so were now worried this could collide badly. In a bit of a flap I spoke to the business manager in the department who allowed me to start treatment on the day after I started my periods, in July, to try and speed things up, which was good. Things are quieter work-wise at the moment as everyone else is on their holidays so I was really happy by this.
Day 2 — Tuesday 19 July 2016
Started the trusty daily Buserelin injections again — I had asked if I could start with the Provera from the outset, given my last two non-shedding lining experiences — but I was told this wouldn’t be possible. Phoned the business manager to get an appointment for my scan, she advised that it would be sent out. Weirdly woke up for the next few days feeling totally hungover, really sleepy, beat up and knocked out. Had an acupuncture session that week and had a funny wee cry to myself lying in the room for my relaxing hour.
Day 22 — Monday 8 August
Scan 1. We were back up to the hospital, taken straight away and scanned again. Not good, surprise, surprise… Although I didn’t get the measurement, the lining is still too thick to get on to next stage. Also a cyst has appeared in my left ovary, which they will monitor and they took blood to see if it was active, and producing estrogen and therefore preventing the down regulation to kick in. Nurse went away for ages, whilst I had another wee bubble to my partner.
She finally came and told me I would have to double my injection dose to two times of Buserelin a day and also take my old friend, acne and period inducing, Provera. I was pretty upset, as I’ve been here twice before — she checked I didn’t want to see a counsellor or delay the process — I thanked her but declined both offers. I also had to go through the rubbish-ness of giving pee for a pregnancy test before being allowed to take the Provera again. Partner had to tell me stories of babbling brooks so that I could pee on command…
Pretty down about having the process delayed again, went through the whole — I just want to quit phase — but am ok. Feeling more zonked and spaced than ever with both meds, plus a pretty sore head — finding it difficult to properly converse with people.
Started periods on the 14th August and was told to hold off a few days just to make sure the scan would be ok. More positive and upbeat this week.
Day 32 — Thursday 18 August
Scan 2. Scanned and although cyst is still there, my lining is passable at 4mm! Nurse had to check if they could still proceed with the cyst there, or to see if it would need drained. Was told they’d call to let me know later, but in the meantime they’d give me the next round of meds and hopefully I can start them.
Nervous about if I’d be able to go ahead, but got a voicemail in the afternoon to say that all was ok and to start tomorrow. On a higher dose, double the dose than the first round of Gonadotrophin, a pen injection which should encourage a higher number of follicles to develop and therefore hopefully more embryos to form…
Over the next few days particularly at family/friend gatherings my head was pretty sore and my brain doesn’t always feel ‘on’, and am more spaced out than ever. Also rather enviably, I’m gassy, emosh, bloated and those dratted periods just won’t go away.
Day 40 — Friday 26 August
Back to hospital for a follicle scan, to see how they are progressing. Lining now 13mm and ‘clusters of follicles in both ovaries’! The nurses measured them, 16mm, 14mm, 13mm and so on, I couldn’t believe it and tears were streaming down my face. They said there were 10 follicles (plus 4 small ones that they’d discount — total: 14), so there would possibly be 7 of a size ready for collection early next week. It was also the longest time the nurses were up there, so I knew it was good! Typically we were due to go away for the week and this fell at the same time as the proposed collection and transfer, so we would have to miss a few days of our holiday. We’d been advised the collection would happen on Monday 29th and were sent away with the 007 timed injection to put in the fridge again.
Day 41 — Saturday 27 August
Last day of taking the Buserelin injections! In the evening I had to stay awake until 11.15pm exactly, which was tough to do, to take my refrigerated injection — tummy feeling a bit strained and a bit covered in bruises — how do those models who say they’ve been doing IVF injections whilst wearing bikinis on photoshoots do it? Kudos to them and diabetics and everyone else.
Day 43 — Monday 29 August
Embryo collection. Also packed for our holiday and ready to go, just one last thing to do before we go — get eggs collected.
Into hospital for the required 8.15am and told that we were not due to be taken until 11am — gutted! Once we’d explained that we were going off on our holidays, which we’d had to delay, everyone seemed to rally around to get us through quicker — an always amazing team. Went through the drill, told it was a really good scan, and they expected to collect about 7 of the eggs.
Shown to the bay, changed into gown/hat etc, was put under by the anaesthetist, and woke up about 20 mins later being wheeled back in the bay. Compared to last time this bit was a breeze, perhaps because I knew I was going away on holiday afterwards. Drank water, peed, was given my old faithful 20 day gel Crinone pessaries that look like tampons, and was out the door by noon. Felt slightly sore, and probably looked a bit like a runaway zombie in the passenger seat of the car, with my wrist tag and swab sellotaped to my hand.
Holiday for 5 days — bliss. The embryologist called me on Tues 30th and said they’d managed to get 3 eggs to fertilise, possibly 4, she wasn’t yes sure as it was still too early to tell. Everything was planned for a 5 day transfer, rather than a 3 day transfer, as we had a few embryos to work with, rather than just 2 the first time around. Provided good holiday vibes.
Then on Thurs 1st September, the embryologist called back to say that perhaps she may have been overly optimistic the last time she called, and that actually only 1 of the embryos was looking of the top quality needed for transfer. She wasn’t happy about the others. She asked us to come in a bit earlier on Saturday. I was pretty gutted, as the reality hits home clear and hard that this is it — it’s the final shot, there are no more second chances, no more to freeze, no more spare-just-in-cases.
My partner as usual keeps things in perspective, saying all the right things that it’s about quality not quantity and encouraging me that I have to stay positive. We enjoy our holiday as best we can and we do have a great time, although my mind is a bit all over the place.
Day 48 — Saturday 3 September
Awake again very early, so trying not to spend too much time on the crazy forum websites… Arrived into hospital at 10.15am, hardly a soul there. The embryologist sees us first and explains that a couple of the embryos didn’t progress any further after fertilisation and another had the wrong number/type of cells splitting, so she wasn’t happy with that one either. I had to remind myself that I’d read (hopefully credibly) that eggs that don’t survive to this stage, would be unlikely to survive through the natural conception route either.
We were shown through to the all-to-familiar tiny room to get changed into our greens and blues — less comical this time. Then back into Willy Wonka’s room and got on to the bed, went through the same routine of legs in stirrups as everyone tried kindly to make small talk whilst the doctor got on with the procedure.
Even though I’d been much more cautious with my water intake before arriving (advised 500ml 30 mins before to ensure a full bladder), the whole experience was a lot less pleasant than last time — which I guess isn’t hard, given your position and what is happening to you.
We were in and out in 30 minutes, again advised apart from steering clear of alcohol and any listeria educing foods, that I should act normally. Sent away back through the eerily empty hospital unit with our odd scan of the embryo in its position, good luck wishes and a pregnancy test and advised to let them know in 14 days how it had gone.
So that’s it… I rested that day and the majority of the next day, although being aware from what I’ve read that being active is actually a positive thing. And now we wait…
Day 50–54 — Monday 5–9 September
2–6 days passed transfer — Experienced some random things which I don’t normally get and was much different to the first round:
Very crampy stomach, with twinges which felt like someone was wringing my insides — or more accurately a corkscrew burrowing!
Tummy was so bloated throughout — I also had terrible nights of sleep, so hot and sweaty.
Tired and I felt dizzy and like I might fall down, whilst sitting on the couch.
Oddly enhanced smells and bitter mouth tastes. Feeling really cold throughout the day — wearing two jumpers despite it being 20 degrees outside.
Old blood spotting — not pleasant, but hoping it’s implantation bleeding.
Hungry — just generally keen to eat always.
Day 55 — Saturday 10 September
It’s 7dp5dt and things have strangely quitened down literally over night, they’ve gone from very active to nothing — so not feeling very positive, and a bit disheartened. I started feeling that my periods will start soon (they would technically start tomorrow, if my body was running like regular clockwork minus all the hormone interference), also feel a bit breathless/panicked about going to the toilet. Called off a social engagement which would have meant conversing with lots of people at night, didn’t think I could manage it, instead had pizza and watched films.
Day 56 — Sunday 11 September
8dp5dt — Woke up feeling totally hungover, which obviously wasn’t (sadly!) possible… Had a funny old day, again continuing from yesterday where I wasn’t sure if I was/it was coming or going. Found myself in a supermarket unsure whether to buy tampons, or a pregnancy test, or both! As I was going away for a few days over the 14 day mark, we’d decided to do a test a bit earlier. Although of course, you are supposed to hold off and do the test on the 14th day, many people do a POAS (pee on a stick) in the run up to this. As the hCG — the pregnancy hormone — stays in your system 8–10 days after your trigger shot, you’re advised to hold off doing any test until after that.
Day 57 — Monday 12 September
We were already 15 days after the trigger shot, so felt it would be ok to do a test. I woke up early, did the test, and put it straight back in the packet without looking and went back to sleep.
With a slight dread when we properly woke up, I told my partner, we took it back out of the packet, flipped it over cautiously and we were both extremely surprised to see a second line had shown up on the test! There were a few tears from me and we decided that we’d need to do a second one in a couple of days, then do the real test at the weekend - but we allowed ourselves to be cautiously optimistic. These tests are 99% accurate and everything suggests that if any kind of line shows, then you are likely to be pregnant. Over the next few days I had all kinds of symptoms which I could interpret, but won’t.
Day 59 — Wednesday 14 September
11dp5dt — Decided to do the second pregnancy test first thing in the morning, and we were a taken aback by the fact that the second line appears to have vanished quite a bit… It’s still there faintly and of course I had to do a bit of online searching — which wasn’t great to have in mind. We tried not to over think this and for me to keep taking the progesterone bullets, keep thinking postively and hope for the best.
Day 60 — Thursday 15 September
12dp5dt — Away with a friend for a couple of nights. Woke up and went to the toilet — periods — it’s all over. No pain at least. Didn’t quite make it to the 14 days, which would equal the one month mark… I phoned my partner, had a cry, pulled myself back together and managed to have an easy day where I found some space on my own outside. It feels similar to the chemical pregnancy experience I think I had 4 years ago which marked the beginning of this saga.
I’m feeling a bit anti-social/hermit like and was happy to come home a couple of days after — although it was good to be away to take my mind off of everything… and I guess to have a drink again. Periods seemed to last forever.
We have a review meeting with the doctor in a month or so, and we’ll see what they says — at this point I’m not sure I can put my body and mind through anything else, so now is the time to try and get back to as normal as we can.
Monday 25 October
Back for review appointment at hospital. The Doctor confirmed that there was nothing abnormal about the scans, process, eggs or sperm that would have impacted the last cycle.
I had 2 questions in mind — the first about my uterine lining — was told this was not abnormal and definetely wouldn’t have impacted my chances, it just extended the process; and the second about the odds I had from going from a decent number of eggs to having just one by transfer day… the doctor agreed that this was a good number of inital eggs and yes a slightly lower than they would have hoped by transfer, but stressed that eggs that didn’t survive would be unlikely to have survived in the womb anyway.
It got tougher as it went on, with a brisk Doctor like approach, we were told that my age/eggs were probably the contributing factor. I began welling up and was given some hand towels to sob into.
The Doctor explained that this was the point to reconsider our options, and given we’d had 3 unsuccessful cycles it’s probably unlikely that any further IVF treatment would yield any different results. This was hard to hear, but not unexpected. She listened to me tearfully try and explain how this time around felt similar to four years ago, which marked the start of our investigations (laparoscopy/x-rays/dyes etc) and she agreed that it sounded like another chemical pregnancy. We were reminded that at least in 10 years time we could look back and know we’d tried everything we could.
She said that although she wouldn’t stop us if we wanted to come back for more (self funded) IVF, then it was time to explore other options — adoption and also egg donation. She explained that the latter route isn’t for everyone as there are lots of ethical things around this to consider, and strongly advised that if we were to go down this route, then to do it in the UK, rather than abroad (where it’s cheaper and better claims on your chances are made).
So that was it, this point wraps up about 5 years of trying and we agreed that for us this is the end of it too. We headed back through the busy hospital, me trying to hide my red puffy face, our future a little more certain at least in respect of now knowing it’s unlikely we’ll ever be genetic parents.
Total length of process: 60 days. Had period for 12 of those days and then a lot more at the end.
