To not feel with obscured clouds hanging over me

There was a time where I would hate to reflect on how my life is going. It was right before bed. I use to feed myself this hyper bullshit that my life is great and that I have people in my life that make me happy and I’m doing things that make me happy. But I realized that all of that was hyper bullshit that I finally saw through. The obscured clouds are gone, the fog is nonexistent, and I’m trying my best to see. Some days — vividly — then others.

What else can you do but try your best? I let these questions get so bottled up inside me that I’m seeking my pen to let all of it out. But the pen deserves better, my pen deserves better. It deserves to explore my ideas and thoughts and help me grow as a writer. But sadness and confusion is hung over me like a cloud lately. I just want to not feel.

I feel everything that is sent my way. A message, an emotion, a look, a gesture, laughter, conversation, love, greed, jealousy, hate, energy. Did I mention love? I think somewhere I along the way my idea of love ran on a different course than everybody else. A lot of people wanted to romanticize anxiety and romanticize fear, depression. I just wanted to be real. Shit happens everyday and sometimes we can’t fix it. I was here for when you couldn’t fix it. But they’re never here for when they finally do. It’s all one big game of fulfillment and using.

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